Make no mistake, I love a self-serving, celebrity-packed awards shows—especially the Academy Awards. But let's face it, you've seen one Oscar show, you've seen 'em all - even if Chris Rock is hosting this year. But do you really think he's going to rip Hollywood's well-heeled royalty apart and commit career suicide depriving us from another gem like "Head of State?" The answer: No.
That's why I'm taking it upon myself to kick it up a notch this year.
Print this article out, take it with you to the Oscar party of your choice (if you were invited to one) or just keep it with you while your on the couch, by yourself, drinking, wondering why you're inevitably going to die alone and play along. By the way, I recommend laminating this one.
One Drink
+ Every time a winner thanks God, Allah, Mohammed, the Scientology community or any other higher power.
+ Any visible sign of hard female nipples.
+ Whenever any winner gets played off the stage by the orchestra.
+ Every time the Academy gets thanked.
+ Any reference to the snubbing of "Sideways" or Paul Giamatti
Two Drinks
+ If any winner thanks their "people" (i.e., their drivers, dry cleaners, hairstylists, anus bleachers).
+ Any visible sign of hard male nipples.
+ Every time Chris Rock gets censored by the 5 second delay.
+ Any time anyone cries.
+ Anytime George W. Bush gets name checked.
Three Drinks
+ Every time a camera pans to a loser seconds after they lose their category.
+ Any time the camera pans to Jack Nicholson for no apparent reason - punch the person to your right if Jack's wearing the shades.
+ Any time a winner is redirected to exit towards the correct side of the stage.
+ Every time a foreign-speaking winner stammers through their acceptance speech with, how you say, their ugly English (now known as pulling a Roberto Benigni).
+ Any reference to the war - double the drinks if there's an audible crowd reaction.
Four Drinks
+ If cameras catch Leonardo DiCaprio when he loses for best actor and he shows any sign of disgust.
+ Every time a winner makes a point to mention how heavy the Oscar actually is.
+ Any time you see one of those bleeding heart ribbons on someone's chest.
+ The first moment Diane Keaton is on screen with that same old "Annie Hall" hobo outfit she wears every fucking year - you know the one: with the tie, the trousers, the vest and the bowler hat. Let it go, Keaton.
Entire Beverage
+ If Swank wins and forgets to thank her cuckold of a husband - even I can't remember his name right now. He has a famous sibling, right?
+ If Chris Rock slides a gay joke in there.
+ If, by chance, a streaker runs across the stage - it's happened before.
+ Soy Bomb, Part Deux!
+ Any embarassing physical display of joy by an actor on stage (think Cuba Gooding, Jr. after his win for "Jerry Maguire") following a win.
Drink Continuously During...
+ All dead air.
+ That montage of film clips of the recently dead - tip your 40s for the dead homies if you're kicking it gangster style.
+ Any dance routine.
+ Jamie Foxx's inevitably embarrassing speech. You know he has to have at least one STD, right? And if he trots out that old bullshit yarn about his dead grandmother one more time, I say they take the award away from him and give it to the criminally snubbed Giamatti.
