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FIVE BEST CAVEMAN FILMS - - EVER!

Seems like every five years or so, Hollywood gets the itch to release a few really bad caveman movies. This year's crop? Well, the year's early but we hear another Flintstones feature is in the talks.

So in the interest of helping you maintain your high opinion of modern man, we offer the five greatest caveman movies ever. Not only do they offer stylized fictional accounts of early man, but they're the best excuse for showing off hot tail in tiny French-cut fur bikinis.

One Million Years B.C. (1966)
In 25 words or less: The struggle between primitive man and the dinosaurs that want to kill them. That and a savory Raquel Welch romps around in a fur bikini.
Cast: Raquel Welch, John Richardson, Percy Herbert, Robert Brown, Martine Beswick
Strange cavepeople names: Loana, Tumak, Sakana, Akhoba, Nupondi, Ahot, Sura
Naked cavefolk: No naked chicks (or guys for that matter), but Welch and Beswick can still do more in their fur French-cut bikinis than Sharon Stone could do if she did the goosestep in a thong and micro mini.
Dinosaurs: Some of the best stop-action dinosaur animation ever—state of the art until Spielberg made Jurassic Park.
Language interpretation difficulty: It's all grunts and groans here.
Fun facts: Welch had it in her contract that her fur bikini was to be smaller and reveal more skin than any of the other cave girls on the set—and rightly so!

Quest for Fire (1982)
In 25 words or less: A group of cavemen during the Ice Age roam the earth in search of fire after their flame gets snuffed out during an attack.
Cast: Everett McGill, Ron Perlman, Nameer El-Kadi, Rae Dawn Chong
Strange cavepeople names: Naoh, Amoukar, Gaw, Ika, Aghoo, Tsor, Gammla, Faum, Modoc
Naked cavefolk: Plenty of opportunities to give your DVD's remote control a workout here: We counted 46 instances of partial nudity as well as 39 non-consecutive instances of full-frontal nudity. And that's not even counting Rae Dawn, who trots around buck naked for 90 percent of the movie. Naked, naked, naked.
Dinosaurs: Not many prehistoric creatures here, that is unless you count Rae Dawn as the sexual animal that she portrays here.
Language interpretation difficulty: There's no way in hell you're going to understand anything here. As a matter of fact, Anthony (A Clockwork Orange) Burgess made up a special cave language just for this film.
Fun facts: Several scenes in this movie had to be cut to receive its R rating. Among one of the scenes on the cutting room floor: History's first blowjob, courtesy of Rae Dawn.

Iceman (1984)
In 25 words or less: A frozen prehistoric man is brought back to life, after which wacky culture shock takes place.
Cast: Timothy Hutton, Lindsay Crouse, John Lone, David Strathairn, Josef Sommer, Danny Glover
Strange cavepeople names: None! Those philistines named their caveman Charlie! Charlie of all things! Why didn't they just dress him in khakis and penny loafers too?
Naked cavefolk: You get to see Charlie's curiously muscular, shaved ass a couple of times, but that's about it.
Dinosaurs: Nope. No dinosaurs. It's all Charlie, all the time.
Language interpretation difficulty: The caveman, or iceman if you will, gets by with a bunch of gobbledy-gook that sounds strangely a lot like Spanish. His favorite word: Pita.
Fun facts: Simian lover Tim Hutton worked with apes for six months so his interaction with Charlie would be more realistic.

The Clan of the Cave Bear (1986)
In 25 words or less: A family of smelly Neanderthals take in a scrawny, yet very sexy Cro-Mag cavegirl after her caveparents are killed.
Cast: Daryl Hannah, James Remar, Pamela Reed, John Doolittle, Thomas G. Waites.
Strange cavepeople names: Ayla, Iza, Creb, Broud, Brun, Goov, Grod, Grug, Droog, Aba, Uka
Naked cavefolk: A great film for gratuitous full-frontal nudity as well as a few great shots of Hannah's funbags. We also find out that early man loved sex doggy-style—this might be all the proof needed to show that we did evolve from primates.
Dinosaurs: No dinosaurs, but these cavepeople sure do have a lot of run-ins with hungry lions and bears.
Language interpretation difficulty: The baby-like cave talk is totally spoiled by pesky subtitles and voice-overs. Who in the hell ruins a perfectly good caveman movie with subtitles? Raquel Welch didn't need any subtitles.
Fun facts: A budding young Nicole Eggert makes one of her first appearances on the big screen as the teenage Ayma. Was it any wonder from her few moments on screen in her fur bikini that she'd grow up to be the inspiration for so many of my sexual fantasies?

Encino Man (1992)
In 25 words or less: A pair of uncool pals dig up a 10,000-year-old caveman in their backyard. After cleaning him up, they use him as their ticket to popularity.
Cast: Sean Astin, Brendan Fraser, Pauly Shore, Megan Ward, Robin Tunney, Michael DeLuise
Strange cavepeople names: Link (and Stoney if you consider Pauly Shore a little less evolved than most of the human race, like I do).
Naked cavefolk: Nope, but there are some pretty nice shots of teenage girls in tight sweaters during the classroom scenes.
Dinosaurs: Not really, but Pauly Shore's forehead, thanks to his unnaturally receding hairline, looks exactly like a pterodactyl egg.
Language interpretation difficulty: Understanding Fraser's Link isn't too difficult, but linguists are still trying to crack Shore's mush-mouthed speech patterns.
Fun facts: Pauly Shore, in his feature film debut, won the 1992 Golden Raspberry Award for Worst New Star. Way to go, weasel.


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Who in the hell ruins a perfectly good caveman movie with subtitles?


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Alarcon

Alarcon co-founded outsideleft with lamontpaul in 2004. His work for o/l has attracted the attention of hundreds of thousands of readers, oh and probably the fbi too.

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M.E.A. has been writing for a paycheck since 1996. He published titmouse, the critically renowned fanzine that surprisingly got a minor distribution deal outside of the US. He wrote Boy About Town for the Orange County Weekly, the only memorable element of the column being its title nicked from an old b-side by The Jam. Since then, he's written for the OC Register, Time-Warner, Angeleno, and other publications as well as a handful of dot.coms. He's currently the managing editor for POPLife magazine and he's trying to round up his former band, The Misanthropes, in which he played sloppy rhythm guitar, in hopes of a reunion and cash in on the garage band movement that they preceded by nearly ten years. His hobbies include revenge and collecting Smiths memorabilia.

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