It's summertime and that can only mean one thing: some of you are going to attempt to sunbathe. Fine, whatever. I really don't condone such frivolous meandering, but if you must, I rated the latest in protective sunscreen lotions and potions while enduring possible sunburn so you don't have to.
HAWAIIAN TROPIC TAN AMPLIFER
SPF: 4
Cost: $12 for 8 ounces
Scent: A watered-down pina colada
Texture: Silky and thick - like smooth tar
What labels doesn't say: Reapply every 48 hours.
Stickiness factor: Like flypaper.
Aftertaste: Coconut syrup
Rating: C
NATURAL SCIENCE SUN VISOR
SPF: 30
Cost: $14 for 5 ounces.
Scent: Like the nape of your first girlfriend's neck.
Texture: You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.
What the label fails to say: Should we worry that it's a product of Israel?
Stickiness: Not really.
Aftertaste: Kiwi
Rating: B
POLO SPORT WEATHERPROOF
SPF: 8
Cost: $17 for 3.4 ounces.
Scent: Smells like the cologne
Texture: Like a baby's bottom.
What the label fails to say: Ralph goes to the beach with you to apply the lotion.
Stickiness: Like semen
Aftertaste: Like semen
Rating: C
NEUTROGENA OIl-FREE SUNBLOCK
SPF: 30
Cost: $10 for 4 ounces
Scent: Like sunshine
Texture: Smooth like a vintage Michael Jordan jumpshot during playoffs.
What the label fails to say: Should apply while singing.
Stickiness: None whatsoever
Aftertaste: Like the Devil himself.
Rating: a-
CLINIQUE SPECIAL DEFENSE
SPF: 25
Cost: $15 for 3 ounces
Scent: Fragrance-free (Sometimes I wish we were all fragrance-free.)
Texture: Like clay
What the label fails to say: What do they mean by "special?"
Stickiness: Like Denturegrip - - I've never had such freedom!
Aftertaste: Perfect for desserts.
Rating: b-
PANAMA JACK SUNSCREEN OIL (ORIGINAL)
SPF: 8
Cost: $6.50 for 8 ounces
Scent: Like Panama Jack
Texture: Like Panama Jack
What the label fails to mention: That this stuff smells - bad!
Stickiness: I believe this was a Super-Glue prototype.
Aftertaste: Like Panama Jack's sweat stained underpants.
Rating: F
BAIN DE SOLEIL ORANGE GELEE SUN FILTER
SPF: 4
Cost: $8 for 3.1 ounces
Scent: The 70's
Texture: You can wax your car with it.
What the label fails to say: Nothing. Their tip about white bathing suits was all I needed.
Stickiness: Uh-huh.
Aftertaste: Tart, not unlike raspberry iced tea.
Rating: B
