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Happy Birthday to Me!

Kelsey Osgood wishes herself a happy, belated birthday and says you can join in too. Really, you can...

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by Kelsey Osgood, Editor, NYC for outsideleft.com
originally published: May, 2008
To arrange for delivery of said items, follow the Craigslist link below and we'll talk, no big whoop.
by Kelsey Osgood, Editor, NYC for outsideleft.com
originally published: May, 2008
To arrange for delivery of said items, follow the Craigslist link below and we'll talk, no big whoop.

Hey! Guess what? It's my birthday! Well, last Monday, which means you are LATE getting me a present! (It was also Saddam Hussein's birthday, RIP. Haha you can't punch me, I'm protected by technoolllllllogyyyyyy.)

Here are some things you can get me/do for my birthday:

A dance party with everyone I know, even the little kids, even people that hate each other, even people that slept together and can't really seem to, well, get past it. I would prefer this dance party to take place in Union Square in the summertime and that the first song played be "Funky Kingston" by Toots and the Maytals. The rest of the play list is to be determined by requests from attendees. We can collaborate on the guest list but I get one final edit. Of course everyone who passes by or just shows up is invited to join.

A purple flower-print dress to wear to aforementioned dance party

Write me a letter

The I-Ching

Movies that I've loved and lost: The Vanishing, Bad Timing, Apocalypse Now

Movie I must own immediately: Crackheads Gone Wild. Any Volumes (1-4) would be acceptable. You can purchase them at a DVD store that is located somewhere on 8th Ave. between 34th and 14th Streets in Manhattan. You know, one of the skeezy ones where they sell snacks and porn in the back. Maybe a step or two up on the classy ladder.

Books or money for books

A big straw hat (there's this linen one I want from Malia Mills on Lexington Avenue and 74th Street.)

Run an errand for me

Give me an errand to run

Flower seeds


Plan an adventure or date. Or an ADVENTURE date. That would be amazing.


poster board


Piano lessons

Keys (preferably ones with unknown doors)

An idea for a button design

Any small statue of Buddha

Tickets to the Mets for the Autism Benefit on May 10 (VIP Tickets, peut-etre?)

Any copies of The Little Prince, preferably ones in foreign languages or vintage ones

Dauleries' Greek Myths

Any piece of artwork made using Microsoft Paint

A grand gesture

Red high heeled shoes

A puppy to play with for two hours or so. (Maybe this sounds unfeasible but listen: my friend Becka, who lives in the Xanadu Universe with me, her friend brought her a puppy Dachsund that she was dog sitting and she got to play with it for a few hours for her birthday. So, yeah, if you have a puppy, bring it on over!)

A labelmaker

Yves Klein's Long Live the Immaterial

A voicemail left in French

Track down the version of "A Felicidade" by Joao Gilberto with the background noises from the movie Black Orpheus. (Does this make any sense? Probably not. We can talk about it.)

Tell me a secret

Assign me a project

A Nintendo Gameboy and Tetris (that's the only game I really need)

Tons and tons of Polaroid film (It's being discontinued! Whatever shall I do?)

An Algonquin "Round Table"

A printer

A good, dry martini with extra olives

Read me something aloud

Anything from www.leviticusjewelry.com

A good thought (we can arrange a time for you to think it so I can try to receive the transmission.)

Anything else you think I may like. I trust you.

To arrange for delivery of said items, follow the Craigslist link below and we'll talk, no big whoop.


One of my favorite things to do these days is buy/get/make presents for other people, so if you REALLY want to make me happy in this, the beginning of my twenty-fourth year, you can send me YOUR birthday list!


see more stories from outsideleft's Fiction & Poetry archive »»

Kelsey Osgood
Editor, NYC

NY editor, Kelsey's interests include eavesdropping, thaumaturgy, Pick-Up Sticks, and going on "adventures."

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