O U T S I D E L E F T   stay i n d e p e n d e n t

Chris Connolly: Holiday Wish List

Chris Connolly's collection of short stories, 'Every Day I Atrophy' is currently available for Kindle and soon every other electric platform you can think of. Having washed his hands of that, he had a minute to compile a christmas list of sorts...

get the weekly Outsideleft newsletter
by Lee Paul, for outsideleft.com
originally published: December, 2012
I want people to stop using umbrellas, or failing that, to stop poking me in the eyes with them.
Chris Connolly has long since been one of the great contributors to outsideleft.com. Every Day I Atrophy, Chris' collection of short stories is available now for Kindle and in 2013 on everything else. Meanwhile, here's his most reluctantly compiled holiday wish list... Over to Chris

Chris Connolly: A quick warning: I'm going to be animalistic and selfish in compiling this list. I do have other more general, universal - and more important - things i wish for (like world peace, more intelligent and reasoned public discourse, more togetherness [or something] etc etc etc...) but i'm feeling particularly self-centred today, so...

1. I want to find that perfect level of drunkennes, realise it's perfect, and stop there for once.
2. I don't need a new laptop, but i want one just for a change (commitment issues.)
3. I want people to stop using umbrellas, or failing that, to stop poking me in the eyes with them.
4. If people continue to wield umbrellas without any consideration for taller gentlemen, I want it to become socially acceptable to spit on and punch these people, regardless of age or gender.
5. I want to get laid without having to put any effort into it whatsoever.
6. I want to start wearing a hat (without it being pretentious or some sort of fashion statement.)
7. I want to never have to quit smoking. 
8. I could do with some cash.
9. I'm running out of ideas.
10.I really don't want anything.
11. I hate Christmas lists.
12. I've kind of forgotten what i'm doing now... I hope you didn't bother reading all of this. Sincere apologies...


If you've got any Christmas money left, get Every Day I Atrophy here
see more stories from outsideleft's Culture archive »»

Lee Paul

I like to look at things while listening to things I am not looking at. But doesn't everyone.

more stories you really could read...


thumb through the ancient archives:

search for something you might like...


sign up for the outsideleft weekly. a selection of new and archived stories every week. Or less.

View previous campaigns.

When Heaven and Earth Change Places
Kamasi Washington's Heaven and Earth weighs in at Six on Jason's LPs of the year
Late for Church
Seemingly from out of nowhere, the Church resurfaces with a gorgeous new album, and Pastor Steve Kilbey a new solo effort
Superman Returns
If the misfortune is yours to meet us, you'll know our oft repeated refrain... Outsideleft needs women! Far more dickless than the rest of us, our new film critic, Belle Plankton, still has the balls to stick it to Superman
You Are Guilty When You Dream
Lisa Germano perces the curtain on sleep and creeps you out in the cuddliest way possible.
Fancylad's Style Guide For The Modern Cad
Television Puppets: The Greats and the Disgraces
The puppet phenomenon in television may be one of the most delicate pieces of the puzzle when it comes to good or bad programming. The puppet can make or break a network's intricate campaign. In what will soon become a watermark in Internet history, Alarcon rates the Puppets.
Some of our favorite things...