search for something...

search for something you might like...

I Know It's Over England flop out of the World Cup - without even kicking a ball

I Know It's Over

England flop out of the World Cup - without even kicking a ball

by Hamilton High,
first published: June, 2014

approximate reading time: minutes

The Workd Cup 2014. Almost ready.

England have flopped out of the World Cup - before a ball was kicked. Maybe that free copy of The Sun put everyone off their game? Lots of apologies will be called for, proffered, shortly. Eventually in a month or so someone will win a big golden trophy and the team, it is a team game, won't be called England.

More on that in a bit. It's hard to believe isn't it, that this is our 3rd World Cup together, you, me and outsideleft. 

For the last World Cup in South Africa, 2010 we manly and mainly concerned ourselves with the French National Shirts. While allegedly there was some other sort of hullaballoo or other going on betwixt team and trainer, our insiders suggested the debacle had way more to do with those ridiculous shirts the players were forced to wear. Imagine pulling on the national jersey, da bleu, and really needing to pull it right off.

Look I know the French are all stylish and all, but those shirts, no wonder Anelka picked up the ball and wanted to go home. Those shirts made the Match of the Day collection look way less risible. Tough to do. Christ, they made Frank Riberry look like a scarred Hulk. And not just from the angry green parts of the movie either. They were cut like the jackets of overstuffed Richmond sausages. The resultant appearance, equally as good overall.

Our first World Cup together, in 2006 was all about Robotic Giraffes, I miss all of that, and other tall stories and someone sent a great picture of David Beckham's Backhams which probably always helps. He'd probably had an injured foot or something since 2002 thus explaining that photo where he is on his hands and knees.

And so with England already out of the 2014 world cup, where to lay blame? Well Paddy Power couldn't get his building open on our High Street in time, the councillors were too busy doing the ribbon cutting on the check cashing payday loans cash generator places. So that fucked everything. Oh and then the missing players, Walcott, obviously, world beater, achilles or thigh or something, Andy Townsend, commentary. Oh shit fuck I have been told through my monitor that should be some Spurs reserve guy, Townsend, world beater, what a difference he would have made, but he couldn't get a bet on since he was fined for that in the past so injured his hamstring or something while falling over. Google have probably already removed that fact from their search listings in Europe. So don't believe me but don't look. Terry..? Old age, morally unfit to play for England despite that, apparently. Don't know what he did precisely since it has probably been excised from google by now.

Now it's our turn to turn our attention to the injuries that have cost England every World Cup since 1966 when an injury to Jimmy Greaves' shins led to 'Sir' Alf Ramsey's inspired inclusion - what else could it be - of the world cup final hat-trick hero Geoff Hurst.

World Beaters sidelined and consequently costing England the trophy every time since 1966.

1966 - Cruelly perhaps the reason England won the trophy at home - Jimmy Greaves shins. A pre-tourny disaster actually. This summer lest you forget iconography - Beaten german supermarket chain Aldi has 'vintage' Workd Cup t-shirts with Booby Moore holding the old Jules Rimet aloft available for £5.99 I think. God they are terrible. On sale next week I should think.

1970 - Mexico70 - Pre tournament shoplifting charge in Botofoga, subsequently dropped, put world cup winning captain Bobby Moore completely off his game. That and Alf Ramsey's bizarre selections saw England knocked out in the quarter finals, 3-2 by West Germany. Also, Gordon Banks (actual world beater) - food poisioning cost us the lot.

1974 - Did Not Qualify - most likely because the goalkeeper Gordon Banks lost an eye before the tournament qualification began.

1978 - Argentina - Really, Don Revie, pockets weighed down by a massive UAE contract resigned mid way through qualifying. After blindsiding the team by sending them on an american tour while he scouted other opportunities for himself, England brought Ron Greenwood out of retirement - a Roy Higson like safe pair of hands and have been totally shit ever since. Moreover, since they didn't to see English Hooligans (at their peak) marauding through downtown Buenos Aires, the Argentinians some say where emboldened to invade some islands off their coast. FA. You really fucked up.

1982 - Keegan AND Brooking. Hurting. Hurt us.

1986 - Mexico86 (hmmm no one's going to call their band that) - Captain Marvel, world beater, shoulder to sprinkler. Should never have been included in the first place. Ultimately. Cheated.

1990 - Ahh, Italia90. I really don't know what happened.

1994 - USA- Like Roy Keane, watched on TV

1998 - Michael Owen's thighs burst onto the scene as a 17 year old, causing a Manhattan Beach high school teacher to be reassigned after attempting to explain to her class how she couldn't get the thought of Ownes legs out of her head. Diplomatic incident.

2002 - Owen Hargreaves the only player capable of tackling. David Beckham's gout.

2006 - Germany. Cheated.

2010 - Rooney's Foot. Viv Woodward (29 goals in 23 games for England) where are you now? General Mutiny on the Bounty.

2014 - In Theo Walcott ruptured cruciate ligament, Andros Townsend, Danny Welbeck and Jack Wilshire, 

We have our excuses at least.

Hamilton High

Hamilton High was born on Doheny Ave in the gutter, is a poet, writer and observer of popular culture. Likes fashion and cares less for style. He's on the move, he's an alter ego and we hardly ever hear from him.
about Hamilton High »»



All About and Contributors


Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]


If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]


Ooh Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha May 29th

outsideleft content is not for everyone