O U T S I D E L E F T   stay i n d e p e n d e n t

Fan Fiction: Carol Dekker Celebrity Pointless

Carol Dekker's last little bit of remaining heart and soul gets her invited onto Celebrity Pointless

get the weekly Outsideleft newsletter
by Hamilton High, for outsideleft.com
originally published: May, 2016
Celebrity Pointless is even less pointless
by Hamilton High, for outsideleft.com
originally published: May, 2016
Celebrity Pointless is even less pointless

"Er, no. That name really doesn't ring a bell. Carol Dekker, Carol Dekker, Carol Dekker, no. What does she want? Can't you handle? I have a nine-r with Regional..."


"...She's been in the warehouse for nearly 20 years? Hum, soo what? Why you askin' me just give her the time off. Is it medical?"


"What?"

"Not medical no.
Good. Yeah, of course..."


"Celebrity Pointless?
What?
How did she get tickets for that? Does she know who's going to be on it?"


"No, no I mean, who's going to be on it?
They have the most useless celebrities anyway don't they? [snorts] Dave Hill! They're all too fucking fat for panto."


"What? I'm not sure I know what you mean?"

"She's going to be on it?
I don't understand?"

 

"Uuuuhh-oh. No. I haven't heard of them. So she was in a band?"

 

"No. The name doesn't ring a bell.
When was that?"

 

"Did they? In the charts?"

"Amazing.
Really."

 

"No, I'd never have guessed.
She can use her personal days can't she?"
"Hey. Did you see us in the new Asda ad last night?"

 

"Yeah, yeah just after the start. Yeah, when the camera came down the dairy aisle, yeah. You could see our product and there was someone looking near it."

 

"Yeah. No. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, really great."

 

"I don't know.
Alexander Armstrong?  No. Don't really know him. I don't really watch it. It's on too early. I'm usually in the car. Might've seen it on the Quiz channel on Sunday or something"

 

"The iPlayer?
No. The YouView box or the broadband is too slow."


"No. No, yeah, I have seen it. I know it. No I don't know what the other one is called though."


"Yeah, younger, yeah with thicker hair and just sits there with the answers on his computer."

"With the not too threatening northern accent?
Maybe that's Vernon Kaye."


"Yeah, I know, he does his shows on his own. Probably difficult to work with. It's not him."

 

"Yeah. If she could, that would be great, could get a photographer from the Chronicle, and I'd come down and wish her well. In the photo."

 

"I don't know.
They might.
Alexander Armstrong? And the other one? I don't know whether they sign pictures anymore?"

 

"Yeah. For the warehouse, yeah, it would be cool. I'll tell you what, it'd be great for morale.
I'm sure they'd do it."

see more stories from outsideleft's Fiction & Poetry archive »»

Hamilton High

Hamilton High was born on Doheny Ave in the gutter, is a poet, writer and observer of popular culture. Likes fashion and cares less for style. He's on the move, he's an alter ego and we hardly ever hear from him.

more stories you really could read...


thumb through the ancient archives:

search for something you might like...


sign up for the outsideleft weekly. a selection of new and archived stories every week. Or less.

View previous campaigns.

Moff Jerjerrod and I
Karl Morgan sets foot on the Death Star
Don't Let's Keep On Going
Hef Off
Founder of Playboy Magazine and Publishing Icon, gone.
Don't Eat the Brown Lutefisk
You didn't know it, but in the late 60s/early 70s, sunny Finland was the freakiest scene around, recently mapped for the first time.
Nikki Sudden RIP
a tribute to a favorite of all at Outsideleft, Swell Maps' founder, Nikki Sudden
Panther Burns and Howls
Joe Ambrose article on Pather Burns, revised but mainly reproduced from Headpress 28
Some of our favorite things...