Duopolies so very very often, so difficult to reconcile.
Outsideleft is expanding their content in all sorts of hoped directions. You might have noticed, recently after 17 years in business, they alighted on a weekly music review page. No shit, people like it and it on the whole cleaves to the culture of covering less well known artists. I am sure there are probably all sorts of other plans, but their best idea to date is a weekly Ancient Champion column and I am going to go with that until I don’t anymore.
I know what I’m thinking. There are so many columns out there given a vague yet still ignored remit, where some or other egotoid with nothing to fear expounds on the week as it passes them by. And I’d be right. What is this if it’s not a more time consuming snapshot of taking a silhouetted dog for a walk against the dappled sun sliding down a shimmering sky and sharing that on instagram with anyone who’ll look. That’s right. Those pictures are worth a thousand words, in sum total, as I once overheard Telly Savalas say. And happily the world has finally taken his murmerings to heart. Instead of that, here, you’re going to find way less than a thousand words and you are going to find them all in one place. Oh and eventually of course, collected in a splendid edition that gets published coincidentally at christmastime.
As I watch the word counter climb and know it’s about time to wrap this up, let’s talk about the duopoly of being an unsung aging unpopular pop personality vs a more regularly popular one. So in most circumstances the ‘other’ would have a person in their employ to do things for them. Perhaps you recently heard about Lady Gaga’s dog walker. Shot in the chest. Literally taking a bullet for the boss lady. You’ll have seen the before and after video and you’d say Ryan Fischer could not have done a more bang up job of keeping those pups happy. When he was feeding them. When he was jumping up and down and threatening to excite them, my guess is they were thinking, look at this fucking clown. Just feed us some more already. So Gaga has a dog walker and too right, the joy of sharing your home with a dog is not taking it for a walk. I’m sure everything else is good though.
Over here, this week, I thought I’d mix and mix and mix the music I’m preparing for my very short long player, Music Inspired By The Museumgoer of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. This is a very significant musically and culturally important work, building bridges between the old world and the new, and I feel like I need to self-impose a deadline. So I’d mix and mix at it, until at least until the music sounded palatable, or the neighbourhood dogs stopped howling at my window. A pretty good plan, I was thinking. Instead, Radiator Woe. Look I know everyone has had it. And I’d hate to ever even acknowledge that there might be a practical, pragmatic or even useful aspect to my character. I had noticed though, the water pressure subsiding fast in our boiler. Mainly because I’d had to look at the boiler to make sure it restarted itself after a power cut. From Zeus, Blessings! These types of problems are generally resolved with an initial phone call to my brother-in-law. So before I called our horribly expensive and not always useful plumber, bro-in-law suggested I look for a leak. And the very first radiator Ms. Champion checked, well. There it was, a water leak that had obviously been leaking so slowly for so long, I fear the timber in the floor could be compromised. But that’s not the half of it as I am sure you’ll be keen to know. When I moved a sofa to access the radiator, the radiator almost fell off the wall. The brackets holding it up had been attached to plasterboard with the type of plastic plugs that never hold anything of weight up, onto plasterboard, for long. They are not for that.
The fix means, removing the radiator. You can almost, I guess, see me watching the clock and thinking… What about the Music Inspired By The Museumgoer of Baton Rouge, Louisiana? And taking the radiator off the wall, hangs on the requirement too of a Drayton Decorator Radiator Valve Cap, which the plumbers who originally installed the radiator didn’t leave with me either. Or did they? The next four hours I spent emptying the shed, looking for the bag of Speedfit and other plumbing components that I was sure I had been left with. Jesus. That is not blasphemy that is an actual prayer. Half of the items taken out of the shed have no need to be put back in there. Ever. None.
So here we are. Radiator hanging. Music hanging. And two Drayton Decorator Radiator Valve Caps winging their way to my local Screwfix, within 24-48 hours - this column is so fresh - from their central distribution point.
By next time, I’ll be able to tell you how things went with me, this music, the radiator and some actual heavy duty fixings. Or not. Now, let’s all join in a prayer?
Main Image: Professor DIY Coat Self by Ancient Champion
Anarchy in the UK by Ancient Champion can be heard elsewhere, right about now