Fancylad's Style Guide For The Modern Cad

If you absolutely have to, in a kerchief, as far as humanly possibly away from other people as possible—or among strangers or people that you detest. That's what hankies are for. By the way, the same advice applies for any other grotesque bodily function as well as crying like a baby.

You might want to try Dr. Martin's Vege Docs. They're big in the U.K. and you can now get them special order at your local Doc dealer. They're completely overpriced, but that's the price animal lovers have to pay these days. If you're concerned about money and less so on stylish, your bigger discount chains like Payless and Wal-Mart sell very inexpensive imitation-leather shoes. You'll look like you just stole your shoes from a mailman, but at least PETA will still allow you into their secret meetings.

Spaghetti, linguine, or any of the major pastas is pretty hard to screw up if you can, at the very least, boil water. Essentially what you'll want to do it buy the best jar or pesto sauce you can find. Cook the pasta according to the directions on the box and add a dash of salt and a bit of oil to the boiling water—that's Fancy's own secret! For a decent salad, buy some fresh arugula and dress it with extra virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar—don't drown the salad in it—just enough to lightly coat the leaves. Add a good, long loaf of sourdough bread and a mid-priced bottle or red wine and you got yourself a no-effort dinner that'll take you about 30 minutes to prepare and practically idiot-proof. And to make this sham really believable, make sure you have a good block of Parmesan cheese and grate on the spot—visuals are everything. If you're working the cheese in front of your dinner guests, you can probably give off that legitimate "I know what I'm doing here" feeling. Oh, you might want to pick up the dirty underwear and hide the porno mags, too—that one was for free.