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My Girlfriend's In Love With A Federline

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by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: May, 2005
I'm positive she's fantasizing about Federline when we're doing it.

Welcome to "dear girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff—so you're in good hands.

My girlfriend has this strange fascination with Britney Spear's husband - Kevin Federline - actually, it's become an obsession. I don't get it and when I ask her what she sees in a dirtbag like him, all she can say is that he's hot, cute and so on. Now this obsession is trickling into our sex lives and I'm positive she's fantasizing about Federline when we're doing it. How can I tell her to knock it the fuck off? - Not Kevin, Las Vegas, NV

Unfortunately, you can't police her mind, so I doubt "knock it the fuck off" is going to help you. What you can do is keep her in the moment. Talk to her. Remind her that it's you she's laying under. Call her a pet name, or do things that are particular to your relationship and sex life. Maybe something as simple as asking her to "Say my name, baby" may seem a little cheesy, but chicks love that crap, and it'll ensure she's thinking of you when it comes time for the big O. If that doesn't work, why not occasionally embrace the do-rag, grow some greasy stubble and go with that angle? Go on and tell me you haven't at least once thought of sticking your purple one in Britney's face and telling her to 'speak into the microphone', because I won't buy it. Reality says, in relationships, if it's longevity you're after, you'll need to allow for some fantasy, so have a little fun.

I like rough sex, the girlfriend like "sensual sex." We got problems. Help. - Ben K., Huntington Beach, CA

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned compromise? I mean, really, kid. I'm assuming you love this girl. If you don't, then it's not really an issue. If you do, then work with the situation, right? In my experience as a vagina owner, no girl wants candlelight/Kenny G/soft kisses on her collarbone sex ALL the time. There's a little whore inside all of us that responds to some gruff fucking, you just have to do a little detective work to read her signs. If she's sidling up to you in a pink and white lacy nightgown and calling you 'Darling', then it's probably not your day. But sometimes you catch that fire in her eyes, yeah? That basic "Take me." expression that responds well to the grab-grab and the jab-jab. Learn to recognize it. And exploit it.

My boyfriend is completely silent in bed - I mean, the only noise that comes out of his mouth is barely-audible breathing. There isn't even any grunting or moaning - I'm getting no verbal feedback. I've told him he can talk, but still nothing. How do I get him out of his shell? - Janice O., Washington, DC

Hmm. I'm a firm believer in what I just now decided to call "verbal coaxing." So your man won't let it out. And telling him to relax and go with it doesn't work. Why not try telling him more pointedly? Say, while you're on top, grinding away, looking down into his squinch-eyed, tight-lipped face, you say "Come on, baby, let me hear you—pleeeease. God, it would make me come so hard if I could hear how hot it makes you while I'm bouncing on top of you." I mean, think about it, men like direction. And what guy doesn't want to do whatever they can to make their girl good on 'coming so hard' especially if all it takes is a little moan and groan? If that doesn't work, maybe notice how hard it is to keep that stuff inside while you're coming. Give it a try! All that restraint is kind of hot.

Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her Erin Pipes) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.

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