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MY FIANCEE GAVE ME GENITAL WARTS.

by Erin Pipes
originally published: May, 2005

I lost my virginity to a jungle gym when I was 7 years old.


I lost my virginity to a jungle gym when I was 7 years old.

MY FIANCEE GAVE ME GENITAL WARTS.

story by Erin Pipes
originally published: May, 2005

Welcome to "dear girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff—so you're in good hands.

Dear Girl,
This is a toughie - I just went to see my doctor who has just informed me that I have genital warts. I wanted to cry - I've always been pretty safe. I told my girlfriend and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend had them and possibly gave them to her, but she's "pretty sure hers are gone." Yet I read somewhere that one can never really get rid of them. What the fuck? Have I been hoodwinked? Am I damaged goods? Should I be pissed off at this girl? No I'm not even getting blowjobs from her because of it. Quick, we're getting married in July 2005!
Bumpy Ben - location withheld

Err, you're marrying someone who won't suck your dick, and who had unprotected sex with you without mentioning her genital warts? Wow. Well, I guess I understand the no-blowjobs-for-warty-penises policy, but I'm no doctor, so I had to Ask Jeeves about whether or not warts are curable. I suspected, just as you did, that they aren't, and yeah, they aren't. Sorry, pal. The "good news" is they eventually go into a kind of remission, much like herpes do, and during that time they're definitely lower-risk contagious, but it's never 100%. Warts can be reactivated after years in remission, due to stress, depression, age, pregnancy—you name it. When you've got them, you've got them, and after that it's just a question of being smart about them. You know, like informing someone whom you're about to embark on a serious relationship that could turn into marriage that you've got genital warts. Not that living with a non-curable STD isn't serious, but gosh, so is hiding something as big as this from your future-spouse. If ever there was a red flag, I'd say this is it.

Dear Girl,
Solve a bet between my co-workers and I - does a girl lose her virginity if she only has anal sex?
Thanks, H.K. - Santa Monica, CA

I'm already getting hell for this, having brought this question to a few of my girlfriends for different viewpoints, but I'm saying no. Okay, unless you want to be a stickler about it. I suppose it's "technical virginity" due to the fact that the hymen might still be present. But then again! Is a hymen the only clear cut indication of virginity? If so, I lost my virginity to a jungle gym when I was 7 years old. Look at it as you would a person who lies, cheats, steals and fucks around for a living, and then calls themself a "good christian" because they go to church every sunday. If a girl is taking it up the ass to preserve her pure aesthetic, she's clearly kidding herself. God knows the difference and so do I. Sorry, Britney.

Dear Girl,
I'm pretty sure I'm one of those "nice guys." How can I turn it up a notch so I'm a little more of a "bad boy" without becoming a complete dick?
A Good Guy in San Diego

Aww, you've touched a nerve. Nice guys are my weakness. Honestly, there is nothing hotter to me than a nice guy. One who'll open the car door for you and compliment your appearance. One who'll be polite to your mother and rein in his off-color language in your presence. A guy who is kind to animals and older people and even drives courteously in rush hour. Sigh. See, there are girls who will totally objectify you for all the sweet things you do and ways you are—do you really want to mess with that by adopting some kind of outdated fratboy/Fonzie attitude, or would you rather a girl wants you for exactly who you are? If you really want to blow a ladyfriend's mind without compromising your integrity, you can do so in the bedroom, when you start whispering all the dirty, dirty things you want to do to her body. Or if you're feeling more adventurous, when you start flat-out directing the action. I can't think of what drives me crazier than a good, sweet boy looking right at me with his most serious face and saying "It's time for you to suck my cock. I deserve it." Sorry if that's not exactly what you want to hear, kid, but I love you just the way you are. The bitches will come around. Besides, what's more bad boy than being yourself?

Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.

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