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Paris Hilton: The Girl Can't Help It

Paris Hilton does a Burger Commercial. So what's all the fuss about? Meat is Murder? Bentley Abuse? What?

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by LamontPaul, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy
by LamontPaul, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy

When a young woman finds herself universally derided then I am pretty sure she must be doing a lot of things right.

When the woman in question is unquestionably skinny and lanky, with size 11 feet (perhaps a definition of ungainly) and while her vital statistics are a modest 34b-25-35 (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine) and girls all around her like that would be cosmetically enhanced in a heartbeat and she likens that enhancement to scarification, "If you have a beautiful face you don't need big fake boobs to get anyone's attention." and.Regards 'sexy' thus, "No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy."

What's not to love, right?

Even in these pages a few weeks ago, in a review of the movie House of Wax, I read the most awful vulgar quip levelled against her and I had to check that the byline wasn't James Dobson. In these cosseted times, she has arguably become the most compelling woman in pop since Madonna. She parties, she has sex - and yeah like for a lot of young women, talking to your friends on the phone can be more fun... She loses her cell phone, she does things because she wants to... She's a great role model for girls and boys. She maintains a non-conformist lifestyle because she can afford to. After all, there'll never be a revolution without the Banks. Generally of course money of her type moves silently and makes deals in darkened, wood panelled rooms. She's rich and she can't help it. Instead she puts it all out there in a way rich girls never have.

And then she strong-arms a million from the producers of the forthcoming dud 'Pledge This'? She just got richer.

Whenever I see her on TV, on Leno or Letterman, I have no idea what she is talking about and that's a good thing. She defines a generation gap. No other celebs or tattooed pierced hair-dyed blase behavior statements ever have. This woman makes me feel comfortably old.

Selected as the worst-dressed celebrity in 2003 by fashion critic Mr. Blackwell, who is apparently knowledgable about youngster's fashions as only a man desperate to remain in the slimelight can.

And she loves animals: When I am walking around on 2nd Street and I see those boys hanging around outside the hair salon with the little dog on a leash while their pseudo Paris gf's get their roots touched up inside, it makes me feel happy. Poor saps. Of course, seeing the throng of dogs on the arms fo teenaged girls is a tiresome trend. It's good to love animals, but at least make them walk.

And now there's the Carl's Jr. commercial and the reams of derision rained down upon her and the company for it. Here's an exchange (widely reported elsewhere):

"This commercial is basically soft-core porn," said Melissa Caldwell, research director for the PTC. "The way she moves, the way she puts her finger in her mouth - - it's very suggestive and very titillating."

The group needs to "get a life," said Andy Puzder, CEO of Carl's Jr., "This isn't Janet Jackson - - there is no nipple in this. There is no nudity, there is no sex acts - - it's a beautiful model in a swimsuit washing a car... She's very appealing to our demographic," which he described as young, hungry guys.

Online, no longer attractive moms are offended for their children, given their vitriol - (or could it be the child as beard phenomenon? They're at least as offended as we are by their mom-jeans). Search for some of the comments. It's all angst about children.

It makes me wonder about these children and these parents. You know, you could have exposed me to no end of Miss World swim suit contests as a child and I would still be far more concerned with planning the perfect execution of an offside trap as the left back for St. Joseph's. Who are these parents who think their children will instantaneously somehow become interested in washing the family wagon in their bathing suit? Most likely it won't happen. Shame, since more kids should be asking their dads why he doesn't get them a Bentley and can they please have a dad who will.

This might be the Best advert for a burger since Elvis Presley. It 's certainly the best celebrity car washing scene since Mariah Carey took the Sponge to Snoop's car in her Heartbreaker video.

Check out the website SpicyParis.com

Now is my wedding invite in the mail?

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LamontPaul

publisher, lamontpaul is currently producing a collection of outsideleft's anti-travel stories for the SideCartel, with a downloadable mumbled word version accompanied by understated musical fabulists, the frozen plastic

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