O U T S I D E L E F T   stay i n d e p e n d e n t

Why Am I So Damn Dry?

get the weekly Outsideleft newsletter
by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
Everything tip-top, other than a parched pussy?

Welcome to "dear girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff - so you're in good hands.

 

Dear Girl...

No matter how excited I get, I'm as dry as the Mojave Desert down there. I don't want to use artificial lube or gel (the smell, taste). Is there anything I can do to make things work down there?

- - J.P., Hermosa Beach, CA

 

You've got me wondering a few things: 1) Are you currently on any kind of medication?  Even just allergy season antihistamines can sap your sap.  But also anti-depressants and the pill can have adverse affects. (I speak from personal experience on the latter. Ack.) Check with your doctor for side-effects if you're on any regular medication, because honestly, you never know.  Also, 2) How old are you, dollface?  Has this always been a problem for you or did you hit your late 30s to 40s and suddenly notice a change?  Or even 3) Is everything all right in your life?  No?  Everything tip-top, other than a parched pussy? Explore those options, and if you still come up dry...Do you have a skilled and willing partner?  Extended foreplay could help.  Are you good friends with your clit?  She's a surefire way to get Old Faithful gushing.  Be gentle with yourself, you know?  It may just take patience and a slow, steady hand.  Experiment with your body‚Äîmaybe there are ways to get the juices flowing you haven't even tried yet? I can't think of a better use of one's time.

 

+ + +

 

Dear Girl,

I'm fairly convinced my boyfriend is gay. Here are my reasons.

1. I've caught him checking out online porn.

2. He wants me to stick things in his ass during sex.

3. He always wants to have anal sex with me.

Am I just a prude? I don't care if he's into certain things, but if he's interested in having sex with guys, I have to worry about STDs and such.

Thank you, Michelle X, Chicago
 

Michelle,
 

1. GAY porn?  Or just porn in general?  Even gay porn isn't necessarily cause for a freedom ring tattoo.  Guys are curious, perverted creatures.  Heck, we all are.

2.  Ahh, but that's where the prostate is!  The glorious male g-spot. The Walnut of Pleasure.  Nothing gay about that, all men have them. Even your dad.

3. Anal sex is almost like the Starbucks of sexual taboos, don't you think?  I know there are some guys who aren't interested, but I think that number is dwindling.  Cock + Ridiculously Tight Hole + Ooooh Naughty = PLEASE HONEY PLEASE.


Unless I hear of some positive proof (a subscription to Men's Health, for instance), I can't see anything particularly gay about your guy. I mean, we've moved into an age where even straight porn is pushing boundaries.  Men are learning more about what gets them off, and I'm saying that's a beautiful thing.  I could advise you to indulge his backdoor fantasies with blow by blow sphincter-relaxing techniques or instructions on how to 'give him the finger', wink wink, but it doesn't seem like you're exactly down for it. "I don't care if he's into certain things," might as well go on to say "as long as they don't include me." 

 

If you're really into this boy, and you want to make it work, and you want to find out for sure what color his parachute is-- why not just ask him, point-blank?  You're right‚Äîsafety is key in that kind or situation, and indeed in ALL situations.  STDs are not gay-exclusive, but I'm hoping you already know that.  I'm also wondering, though: If he comes up gay, would you stay? You seem to suggest you would.  And, in which case, if you're both safe, does it matter?  That's the real question.

 

+ + +

 

Dear Girl,

Why do all girls think they give the best blow jobs in the world? I mean, EVERY girl. Maybe I'm jaded after watching as much porn as I do, but why do girls think they can spend a few minutes down there and then all of a sudden they think they're Linda Lovelace?

- - Unimpressed in Miami


Really?  EVERY girl?  I mean, I have a natural instinct to please.  When I'm down there, I try to pay close attention to what's working, what isn't, the noises you make, the little whiney-catch in your voice, etc.  But I can't think of a time when I've said something akin to "Hold onto your nuts, baby-- here comes the suck of your life!"  I would like to gently suggest that if you're already sort of aggravated and expecting every blowjob is going to leave you unimpressed, then maybe the girls who're blowing you are picking up on that and feeling a little indignant and insecure?  However.  Assuming you're a gentleman and that my initial reaction is one horomonal in nature, um, if you're getting All Bad, All The Time-- why not coax the girl along? Tell her what you like in an encouraging way, you know?  "Why aren't you taking it all in your throat, JEEZ!" probably won't work.  But, maybe, "That feels so good, and here's something that would drive me fucking crazy...".  That might give you more of what you're after.  A hard truth: all dicks are different.  They want different things, and every girl won't know that due to hard truth number 2: All girls aren't porn stars.  If we're into you, though, chances are we're willing to learn.

 

Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.

see more stories from outsideleft's Sports Sex & Health archive »»

more stories you really could read...


thumb through the ancient archives:

search for something you might like...


sign up for the outsideleft weekly. a selection of new and archived stories every week. Or less.

View previous campaigns.

Frog Eyes, Spilt Coffee and The Spurt of Blood
Listening to Frog Eyes is like biting into one of Proust's madeleines, except it's a madeleine filled with blood.
When Underworlds Collide
There's Something About Charlize
300 Words From London: Damien Hirst Goes To Church
More pills, not many thrills and a bit of religious belly aching. Damien Hirst. God. Again.
Dwight Live
Dwight kicked out the twangy rhinestone cowboy jams and made the ladies of the metro area all squirmy in their nether regions
Behind the Counterculture #3 - UK TV Star Jeremy Beadle
Some of our favorite things...