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APPARENTLY, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH..

by Erin Pipes,
originally published: June, 2005

You're a fat wallet waiting to squire her to a free meal every day.


You're a fat wallet waiting to squire her to a free meal every day.

APPARENTLY, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH.

story by Erin Pipes

originally published: June, 2005

Behold, "Dear Girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff - so rest assured, you're in good hands.

 

 

Dear Girl,

Stay with me - this one might be complicated. There's a girl I like at work, she invited ME to lunch. When the check came, I was fully prepared to pay - which I did. This happed about a week later - she asked, I paid. Now am I being had? She never even attempts to go to her purse. I like her, and she flirts, but it's always lunch and whenever I ask for a real date - at night or a weekend thing, she finds a way out. Am I being had? Should I just politely say no to the lunches?

Clay K., Manhattan Beach, CA

 

+ + +

 

Oh, Clay.  I'm sorry to say it, but yeah.  I mean, if I wasn't guilty of it myself I might not see it so clearly.  Seems like your working girl is hungry and you're a fat wallet waiting to squire her to a free meal every day.  Let me guess...you're a nice guy, right?  She pops over to your desk and leans her breasts toward you while batting her eyes and asking if you want to go to lunch. She's SO hungry...how can you refuse?  Am I warm? She already knows you would pay.  You're a gentleman, after all.  She's sniffed that out about you.  And the fact is if she was truly into you she'd be all over you for supper and breakfast and whatever else you're offering.  Who knows, maybe she's already got a dinner man?  Anyway, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  If you still want to hang with this girl, go ahead and head out to lunch the next time she asks-- but by all means leave your wallet "in your other pants."

 

 

 

Dear Girl,
Every time my girlfriend and I have sex, her vagina starts burning. I know it's not an STD; we've both been checked. What could be wrong?

Signed, Hot Todd


Ouchie.  Well, I've got questions for you, Todd: Where's she burning-- inside or out?  Is your girl getting adequately wet before you start slamming away?  Because, two words: Friction burn. A little lube could help out there. Or even a little mouth-on-girl oral sex beforehand. Is she making sure to hit the restroom before you start hitting her?  Oooh I used to get wicked urinary tract infections if I didn't, and I know I'm not a minority.  Women need to empty their bladders before sex to avoid the kind of inner-burn that results from continuously thrusting even just a dime-size amount of urine back up where it came from. What's the frequency of your sex?  If you're going at each other like boy scouts boning for their fire-starting badges it's no wonder, man!  If she and her vagina are sensitive types they might require a little downtime between rounds.  Anyway, there are a lot of different possibilities. Test out what I've suggested-- leave no option unexplored!  Since you're so impressively on the ball to have ruled out STDs, I'm sure you'll figure it out.


+ + +


Dear Girl,

What drugs are best for sex (enhancement, drive, etc.)?
Thanks, Jilly in Vegas

Well, hmm.  I'm trying to decide what you're really asking here, Jilly.  If it's a Viagra endorsement you're after, you're barking up the wrong tree.  I mean, it's fun to get on the relentless boner merry-go-round, sure. The mild clitoral kick is pleasant, but a little vague.  In the end that blue meanie is really better suited to grandpas and male porn stars. Perhaps you're asking for my recommendation of which herbal supplement is the best-- each one smelling like a rancid healthfood store and promising spanish fly results, but usually resulting in a mild headache and wicked vitamin burps. Or!  Maybe you want to know how crazy sex is on coke or ecstasy? (Coke is sweaty and frenetic; ecstasy is overwhelming and fuzzy and like fucking in a tunnel.)  Or weed? (Sleepy and slow or numb). Mushrooms? (If you don't mind crawling skin or if your partner's head turns into a Reagan mask mid-thrust, then you'll love it.)  But if you want my honest opinion, sex is better straight. Clear-minded, steady-handed.  I like opening my lips to take someone's tongue in and tasting the sweet of their saliva, not a cottonmouth desert.  I like a true connection when I open my eyes and not those crazy black pupils staring back at me.  I like a dick that I'm entirely in charge of.  One that'll eventually go limp so I can work on erecting it again.  Or my pussy moistening of its own accord, and speaking volumes should it refuse.  Call me square.  Sex is enough of a high on its own, you know?  Does make me wonder why it's so boring you need to amp it up artificially.  Think about that, huh?

+ + +


Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.

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