It's summertime and that can only mean one thing: some of you are going to attempt to sunbathe. Fine, whatever. I really don't condone such frivolous meandering, but if you must, I rated the latest in protective sunscreen lotions and potions while enduring possible sunburn so you don't have to.
HAWAIIAN TROPIC TAN AMPLIFER
SPF: 4
Cost: $12 for 8 ounces
Scent: A watered-down pina colada
Texture: Silky and thick - like smooth tar
What labels doesn't say: Reapply every 48 hours.
Stickiness factor: Like flypaper.
Aftertaste: Coconut syrup
Rating: C
NATURAL SCIENCE SUN VISOR
SPF: 30
Cost: $14 for 5 ounces.
Scent: Like the nape of your first girlfriend's neck.
Texture: You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.
What the label fails to say: Should we worry that it's a product of Israel?
Stickiness: Not really.
Aftertaste: Kiwi
Rating: B
POLO SPORT WEATHERPROOF
SPF: 8
Cost: $17 for 3.4 ounces.
Scent: Smells like the cologne
Texture: Like a baby's bottom.
What the label fails to say: Ralph goes to the beach with you to apply the lotion.
Stickiness: Like semen
Aftertaste: Like semen
Rating: C
NEUTROGENA OIl-FREE SUNBLOCK
SPF: 30
Cost: $10 for 4 ounces
Scent: Like sunshine
Texture: Smooth like a vintage Michael Jordan jumpshot during playoffs.
What the label fails to say: Should apply while singing.
Stickiness: None whatsoever
Aftertaste: Like the Devil himself.
Rating: a-
CLINIQUE SPECIAL DEFENSE
SPF: 25
Cost: $15 for 3 ounces
Scent: Fragrance-free (Sometimes I wish we were all fragrance-free.)
Texture: Like clay
What the label fails to say: What do they mean by "special?"
Stickiness: Like Denturegrip - - I've never had such freedom!
Aftertaste: Perfect for desserts.
Rating: b-
PANAMA JACK SUNSCREEN OIL (ORIGINAL)
SPF: 8
Cost: $6.50 for 8 ounces
Scent: Like Panama Jack
Texture: Like Panama Jack
What the label fails to mention: That this stuff smells - bad!
Stickiness: I believe this was a Super-Glue prototype.
Aftertaste: Like Panama Jack's sweat stained underpants.
Rating: F
BAIN DE SOLEIL ORANGE GELEE SUN FILTER
Alarcon co-founded outsideleft with lamontpaul in 2004. His work for o/l has attracted the attention of hundreds of thousands of readers, oh and probably the fbi too.
more stories you really could read...
Alan Devey, Alex V. Cook, Alwyn S, Ancient Champion, Andy Allison, Annemiek, Belle Plankton, Bruce Bailey, Caiomhin Millar, Chantal, Cheiron Coelho, Chris Connolly, Christian Present, Damon Hayhurst, Dan Breen, David Hackney, Debra Ifill, Denni Boyd, Dirty Lillie, Duncan Jones, Emerson O'Sullivan III aka FancyLad, Erin Pipes, Erin Scott, Eswin21, Guilaine Arts, H.xx, Hamilton High, Henderson Downing, Holly Martins, J. Charreaux, Jason Lewis, Jaycentee, Jennifer Lynn, Jeremy Gluck, Joe Ambrose, Julie O, Karl Morgan, Katherine Pargeter, Kelsey Osgood, Kevin McHugh, Lake, Lee Paul, Luke Skinner, Malcolm, Marek Pytel, Mark Piggott, Meave Haughey, Michelle Williams, mindy strouse, Paul Hawkins, Peter Williams, Pixie McMowat, Rene Williams, Rick Casson, Ronan Crinion, Ruby Lake, Ryan 'RJO' Stewart, Samantha Charles, Seth Sherwood, Shane O'Reilly, Speedie John, Founders: Alarcon & Lamontpaul.
If Outsideleft had arms they would always be wide open and welcoming to new writers and new ideas. If you've got something to say, something a small dank corner of the world needs to know about, a poem to publish, a book review, a short story, if you love music or the arts or anything else, write something about it and send it along. Of course we don't have anything as conformist as a budget here. But we'd love to see what you can do. Write for Outsideleft, do. [SUBMISSIONS FORM HERE]
Outsideleft exists on a precarious no budget budget. We are interested in hearing from deep and deeper pocket types willing to underwrite our cultural vulture activity. We're not so interested in plastering your product all over our stories, but something more subtle and dignified for all parties concerned. Contact us and let's talk. [HELP OUTSIDELEFT]