O U T S I D E L E F T   stay i n d e p e n d e n t

Alarcon rates this year's sun screen lotions.

get the weekly Outsideleft newsletter
by Alarcon, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.
by Alarcon, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.

It's summertime and that can only mean one thing: some of you are going to attempt to sunbathe. Fine, whatever. I really don't condone such frivolous meandering, but if you must, I rated the latest in protective sunscreen lotions and potions while enduring possible sunburn so you don't have to.

 

HAWAIIAN TROPIC TAN AMPLIFER
SPF:
4
Cost: $12 for 8 ounces
Scent: A watered-down pina colada
Texture: Silky and thick - like smooth tar
What labels doesn't say: Reapply every 48 hours.
Stickiness factor: Like flypaper.
Aftertaste: Coconut syrup
Rating: C

 

NATURAL SCIENCE SUN VISOR
SPF: 30
Cost: $14 for 5 ounces.
Scent: Like the nape of your first girlfriend's neck.
Texture: You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.
What the label fails to say: Should we worry that it's a product of Israel?
Stickiness: Not really.
Aftertaste: Kiwi
Rating: B

 

POLO SPORT WEATHERPROOF
SPF: 8
Cost: $17 for 3.4 ounces.
Scent: Smells like the cologne
Texture: Like a baby's bottom.
What the label fails to say: Ralph goes to the beach with you to apply the lotion.
Stickiness: Like semen
Aftertaste: Like semen

Rating: C

 

NEUTROGENA OIl-FREE SUNBLOCK
SPF: 30
Cost: $10 for 4 ounces
Scent: Like sunshine
Texture: Smooth like a vintage Michael Jordan jumpshot during playoffs.
What the label fails to say: Should apply while singing.
Stickiness: None whatsoever
Aftertaste: Like the Devil himself.
Rating: a-

 

CLINIQUE SPECIAL DEFENSE

SPF: 25
Cost: $15 for 3 ounces
Scent: Fragrance-free (Sometimes I wish we were all fragrance-free.)
Texture: Like clay
What the label fails to say: What do they mean by "special?"
Stickiness: Like Denturegrip - - I've never had such freedom!
Aftertaste: Perfect for desserts.
Rating: b-

 

PANAMA JACK SUNSCREEN OIL (ORIGINAL)
SPF: 8
Cost: $6.50 for 8 ounces
Scent: Like Panama Jack
Texture: Like Panama Jack
What the label fails to mention: That this stuff smells - bad!
Stickiness: I believe this was a Super-Glue prototype.
Aftertaste: Like Panama Jack's sweat stained underpants.
Rating: F

 

BAIN DE SOLEIL ORANGE GELEE SUN FILTER
SPF: 4
Cost: $8 for 3.1 ounces
Scent: The 70's
Texture: You can wax your car with it.
What the label fails to say: Nothing. Their tip about white bathing suits was all I needed.
Stickiness: Uh-huh.
Aftertaste: Tart, not unlike raspberry iced tea.
Rating: B
see more stories from outsideleft's Product archive »»

Alarcon

Alarcon co-founded outsideleft with lamontpaul in 2004. His work for o/l has attracted the attention of hundreds of thousands of readers, oh and probably the fbi too.

more stories you really could read...


thumb through the ancient archives:

search for something you might like...


sign up for the outsideleft weekly. a selection of new and archived stories every week. Or less.

View previous campaigns.

The Pin-eyed Bambi Shuffle
Superstar junkie and former libertine, Pete Doherty's Babyshambles have released 'Down in the Albion'.
Sonny Smith Style
Sonny Smith pulls the camper over just long enough to tell Paul Hawkins a story or two...
ART ROCK LONDON
Robert Mapplethorpe's seldom screened film work, and Thank You For The Music at Spruth Magers Lee
Malcolm X Over Bearwood & Elsewhere
Paul Magson's play, Marshall Street, recounts Malcolm X's visit to Smethwick...
30 from 17: Sleaford Mods
Jasons Top 10 records begin with the Sleaford Mods
Mister Wallow is Dead
The latest news from our man in Tangier.
Some of our favorite things...