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ALARCON RATES THIS YEAR'S SUN SCREEN LOTIONS.

by Alarcon

originally published: June, 2005

You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.


You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.

ALARCON RATES THIS YEAR'S SUN SCREEN LOTIONS.

story by Alarcon

originally published: June, 2005

It's summertime and that can only mean one thing: some of you are going to attempt to sunbathe. Fine, whatever. I really don't condone such frivolous meandering, but if you must, I rated the latest in protective sunscreen lotions and potions while enduring possible sunburn so you don't have to.

 

HAWAIIAN TROPIC TAN AMPLIFER
SPF:
4
Cost: $12 for 8 ounces
Scent: A watered-down pina colada
Texture: Silky and thick - like smooth tar
What labels doesn't say: Reapply every 48 hours.
Stickiness factor: Like flypaper.
Aftertaste: Coconut syrup
Rating: C

 

NATURAL SCIENCE SUN VISOR
SPF: 30
Cost: $14 for 5 ounces.
Scent: Like the nape of your first girlfriend's neck.
Texture: You can also use this stuff to caulk your tub.
What the label fails to say: Should we worry that it's a product of Israel?
Stickiness: Not really.
Aftertaste: Kiwi
Rating: B

 

POLO SPORT WEATHERPROOF
SPF: 8
Cost: $17 for 3.4 ounces.
Scent: Smells like the cologne
Texture: Like a baby's bottom.
What the label fails to say: Ralph goes to the beach with you to apply the lotion.
Stickiness: Like semen
Aftertaste: Like semen

Rating: C

 

NEUTROGENA OIl-FREE SUNBLOCK
SPF: 30
Cost: $10 for 4 ounces
Scent: Like sunshine
Texture: Smooth like a vintage Michael Jordan jumpshot during playoffs.
What the label fails to say: Should apply while singing.
Stickiness: None whatsoever
Aftertaste: Like the Devil himself.
Rating: a-

 

CLINIQUE SPECIAL DEFENSE

SPF: 25
Cost: $15 for 3 ounces
Scent: Fragrance-free (Sometimes I wish we were all fragrance-free.)
Texture: Like clay
What the label fails to say: What do they mean by "special?"
Stickiness: Like Denturegrip - - I've never had such freedom!
Aftertaste: Perfect for desserts.
Rating: b-

 

PANAMA JACK SUNSCREEN OIL (ORIGINAL)
SPF: 8
Cost: $6.50 for 8 ounces
Scent: Like Panama Jack
Texture: Like Panama Jack
What the label fails to mention: That this stuff smells - bad!
Stickiness: I believe this was a Super-Glue prototype.
Aftertaste: Like Panama Jack's sweat stained underpants.
Rating: F

 

BAIN DE SOLEIL ORANGE GELEE SUN FILTER
SPF: 4
Cost: $8 for 3.1 ounces
Scent: The 70's
Texture: You can wax your car with it.
What the label fails to say: Nothing. Their tip about white bathing suits was all I needed.
Stickiness: Uh-huh.
Aftertaste: Tart, not unlike raspberry iced tea.
Rating: B

Alarcon

Alarcon co-founded outsideleft with lamontpaul in 2004. His work for o/l has attracted the attention of hundreds of thousands of readers, oh and probably the fbi too.

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