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My Newlywed Wife Got All Fat

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by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves, and why none of the feminists will let me into their cool club.
by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: June, 2005
This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves, and why none of the feminists will let me into their cool club.

Behold, "Dear Girl... - OutsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff - so rest assured, you're in good hands.

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Dear Girl,

I looked at my girlfriend's C drive on her computer - - I know what you're going to say already so please spare me the lecture - she was at school and called me at home to find an English lit. assignment on her hard drive and email it to her (she goes to school 30 miles away and she needed the file asap). So as I'm looking for her file, I find a folder on her computer with dozens of erotic stories - freaky shit like light bondage (think Anne Rice), strange insertion stuff, MMF stories and so on. I'm fine with it, but what I want to know is how can I work this to my advantage - in other words, how can I get her to open up to me about her obvious affinity for kink (our sex life is fairly average). Or is this just one of those "safe fantasy" things that she just wants to read about rather than partake in?
Thanks, Kurt (San Diego)

 

My very first thought is, "I would NEVER let someone onto my computer without first assuming they'd take full inventory of my porn."  So, I have to figure girlfriend knew you'd check her stash.  As far as working what you found into your love-life...hmm.  I think that depends on what kind of relationship you have.  Is it one of easy confession?  It might be kind of hot for you to say something like "Remember that other day when you asked me to find that lit assignment for you?  Wellllll...." And then just tell her you'd like to whip an Anne Rice on her ass.  On the off-chance she'd rather keep that stuff tucked inside fantasy files rather than acting it out, why not offer her some encouragement?  It would probably flip her out to say you thought it was hot to see how secretly kinky she is.  Maybe you can convince her to share her dirty dreams?  Even just talking about the things that make her tingle will lead down The Path of Bone, and I'm saying that's a good thing. 

 

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Dear Girl,

My wife gained a lot of weight immediately after the wedding. We've only been married for about a year, but in that time, she's already gained 25 pounds. She used to go to the gym and take really good care of herself when we were dating - now she can't even fit into her fuck-me jeans. I know this is common - my question is, how do I politely nudge her back into getting into shape. By the way, please don't tell me to work out with her, I don't exercise.

Hoodwinked in Nevada

 

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves, and why none of the feminists will let me into their cool club.  Women will try to whine and make excuses or even justify why they no longer need to maintain their looks after marriage, but I'm so not buying it.  Men are, by nature, visual creatures. (Not that men don't also need to keep up with standards in some cases, but for the most part women are forgiving.  Love doesn't always equal looks in our books.) Anyway, seems easy science to factor that into a reason to at least keep yourself in "salesfloor shape" to avoid the "buyer's remorse" that can result after long, committed coupledom.  The hard part gets to be telling honey you want her to hit the treadmill and cut back on the Fritos without causing a world war.  I can say only what works for ME, and that is reminding her you love her just the way she is (I'm going to assume the blow-up isn't affecting your love) and how your sex is so good.  Start recounting your favorite times together and heavily (haw haw) describe the sight of her in her tightest jeans, her ass high, the flat stomach peeking from under her short shirt.  Describe how her body made you crazy, in all your favorite scenarios.  This will get the wheels spinning.  She'll remember how she can't even fit into those jeans these days and how maybe it couldn't hurt to dust off those Buns of Steel tapes and get to squatting again.  Best of all, she won't be scared or guilted into it, just gently reminded of those days when she looked so hot and you couldn't get your mind or eyes or hands off her.  And once this works, keep it close!  Tuck it into your pocket to bring back out after the babies start rolling in and wifey hits the couch for a year afterwards. (Ladies, send your hatemail to info@outsideleft.com)

 

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Dear Girl,

The guy I'm dating (I like him, but it's nothing really serious) and a casual female acquaintance of ours have been gently trying to persuade me into a threeway. The persuasion is half jest/half real, but there is a little browbeating going on. By the way, he's very attractive, she's a little on the thick side - not that any of that matters. I gave them a tentative yes and we're getting together next Wednesday night, but what am I getting into? They're talking me giving oral to her and her to me - the whole shebang. I'm not bi- or even really bi-curious, but I've agreed. I don't even know if I have a question, I'm just really nervous. Am I being bullied into this? Please advise?

 

You know, for the most part, you're only bullied if you ALLOW yourself to be bullied.  Look at the evidence, sweet pea.  This guy isn't your boyfriend, you're not into chicks, you owe neither one of them anything, much less your poon. Why did you even agree to this if you're so not into it?  I mean, there's a slight chance you could show up for the party apprehensive and still have a good time, but situations like threesomes need comfort and willingness and, you know, the desire to fuck the other two people in the threesome.  Think about why you're consenting.  I'm already worried that, if these two schmucks can talk you into something you don't want, what else is waiting around the corner for a red riding hood girl in this world of big bad wolves?  Please don't do it if you don't really want it.  You owe that to YOURSELF, don't you?

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Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.
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