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Help, My Partner Has Swamp Ass.

Help, My Partner Has Swamp Ass.

by Erin Pipes,
first published: September, 2005

approximate reading time: minutes

I've got PMS this week and I'm in no mood to go into my now-weekly speech about how Every Woman Wants Something Different.

Our Erin (or Dear Girl as you've fondly grown to know her) is adapting quite well to the east coast thank you very much. She's just as saucy as ever, but she sorta got into a automobile accident last week so a few nice emails her way would be nice - and cash too, I'm assuming. Look for amazing how-to type editorials coming from her very soon.


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Dear Girl,

How does one inform their partner that their nether regions have an unpleasant scent with tact?

M.K., the Boston area


I've found the most tactful way to get that point across is to show concern.  This is best done while you aren't making the "GodDAMN you STANK!" face, so maybe plan to have your little odor conference out of the bedroom, hmm?  Assuming you're even a little discerning about who you go down on, in most cases a foul smell could mean infection or worse.  It's perfectly okay to ask someone whose privates you've had in your face if everything's okay downstairs.  I put on my best, pinchy-worried face and say something like "The other day, when we were in bed, I noticed a change from the way you usually smell and I was wondering if everything's okay?"  Something like that. See that part about how I said their smell had changed?  That's important to keep in the mix.  Even if it hasn't!  A white lie in this circumstance is absolutely acceptable.  God and Mister Rogers will understand. Okay, not everyone is as forward as I am about this kind of thing, but it really could be serious. And wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you?


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Dear Girl,

I think I know what felching is - - can't one theoretically get E coli from doing it?

Jamie, Twin Cities


Good Lord, Jamie.  Gone are the days when a couple could engage in some salty-fun felching, when your only worry was about catching much more than a mouthful of know.  These days, you'd better know your partner pretty well if you're going to be having any kind of anal play at all, and if you don't, you'd better have a condom ready (even as a makeshift dental dam) or you're a moron, plain and simple.  That said, yes, you can absolutely transfer E Coli through felching, through rimming, through regular oral/anal sex, through digital manipulation, and all sorts of other ways you may and may not expect. In times of AIDS and other more serious STDs, I'd wish that you were being all kinds of safe and smart when you get down to getting down - - including one of the simpler and time-honored methods of preventing the transfer of E Coli: soap and water.


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Dear Girl,

Circumcised or no - what do women like most?

Justin, Inland Empire, CA


Justin. I've got PMS this week and I'm in no mood to go into my now-weekly speech about how Every Woman Wants Something Different, but I will anyway because I love you.  I mean, MAYBE women (in this nation, especially) prefer a circumcised penis - - but only because it's the most popular model.  We get it into our heads that it's the way a penis is supposed to look, you know?  Much in the way that a guy will feel a little weird if he's got the only elephant trunk in the gym shower.  But!  That doesn't mean a woman won't fall in love with you or will refuse to have any kind of slobbery contact with your boy just because it isn't clipped, you know?  I know some girls who are craaaazy for an uncut cock.  And some who are like "Ew!  Ickie!"  It's just like anything, really.  Some guys like big boobs, some girls like hairy guys, some guys like guys, some girls like circumcised cocks, etc etc world without end.  We're all different and want different things!  Sorry to be such a bitch about it - - it's just one of those things that's impossible to narrow down.  I always think it's most important to find someone who wants you just as you are, no matter who you are or what your cock looks like. And you know I do, Baby.


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Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.



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