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More piping hot Dear Girl from our Erin Pipes - piping, Pipes - I didn't even plan that. Anyhoo, here's this week's collection of questions regarding love, sex and affairs of the heart

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by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: October, 2005
I happily peed and pooed with the door open all through my last relationship.

More piping hot Dear Girl from our Erin Pipes - piping, Pipes - I didn't even plan that. Anyhoo, here's this week's collection of questions regarding love, sex and affairs of the heart. Also, it seems our Miss Pipes has come down with a case of the East Coast sniffles (or maybe it's mono). Either way, drop her a get well email if time permits.../p>


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Dear Girl,

Is it true that pineapple juice makes a fellow's cum taste different/better?


Corona, CA


You'll notice after a night of heavy drinking the next day's sweat is somewhat akin to a brewery. Just like when you eat asparagus or broccoli, your urine comes out smelling even less like roses than it began - - absolutely the things you eat (and drink) will affect the taste of your semen, or any other fluids you may discharge. Everything filters through your body in whatever way it can. In my "research" I've discovered gently suggesting someone eat pineapple or drink pineapple juice is so popular, possibly because they make the body's pH more acidic, counteracting that bleachy chicken soup quality found in most spunk. So, sure, go ahead and chug-a-lug, Thommy. Maybe cut down on the cheeseburgers, too.  After all: garbage in, garbage out.


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Dear Girl,

What's your take on bodily functions? Example: my girlfriend is more than happy to evacuate her bowels with the door open which leads to out bedroom (we've been living together for about a year). Every time I bring it up, she gets all defensive and pissy (pardon the pun). Suffice to say, a lot of the mystery is gone. What do I do?

Poopy Pants

Wheaton, IL


Total comfort and security sure is a double-edge sword, eh?  I happily peed and pooed with the door open all through my last relationship. Of course, I was also subjected to more than my fair share of bedtime Dutch Ovens than I care to remember. On one hand, it's nice to be able to completely relax in front of someone. Possibly this is the kind of relaxation best kept for your dormmate or little brother, though. The problem gets to be letting the girl know you're turned off.  The time for laying down boundaries has long since passed - - she already thinks it's okay to share 'everything' with you. Be gentle, maybe? Rather than saying anything at all, which could be awkward and taken as an insult no matter how delicately you phrase - - how about just quietly pulling the door closed the next time she settles down for a bowl-show? If she's not one to pick up on hints, I think it's okay to say something about "preserving the hotness of the relationship." It's kind of cute how you don't want to think of your woman as The Princess and The Pee. She's bound to think so, too.


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Dear Girl,

How does a guy know when a chick wants to have soft gently sex and when she wants to be banged like a Thai whore?

Not a mind reader

Portland, OR


Aside from the words "I want to be banged like a Thai whore" coming out of her mouth, I'm afraid you are going to have to become somewhat of a mindreader.  At least you should be able to pick up on her visual or subtly grunty verbal cues. Snuggly gentle sex is usually something that follows the romantic night by the fire, the birthday flowers and sweet card, the hug-and-cry session on the couch after watching Steel Magnolias. Raunchy sex is a product of sass.  Is she licking her lips while talking back to you? Is she pushing your buttons while unbuttoning hers?  Is she growling and biting your ear? Is she biting you anywhere??  Really, you men think we're so complicated, but it's not always true. My guess is more than not being able to read a girl's mind, your real problem is the fear of making a mistake. And so what? Great sex is less knowing exactly what to do at every moment and more rolling with the punches.  Just do it!


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Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideleft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.
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