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Crunk: Now 75% More Retarded.

Why can't crunk get any respect? Maybe because it's the fucking dumbest music on the planet!

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by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: October, 2005
Crunk is the biggest, dumbest, most cracked-out popular music on the scene today.

Sure, we've all heard a bunch about "crunk music" the last few years. Lil Jon, with his signature cheesy-synth sound, has had an enormous impact on the music industry recently, and movies like Hustle and Flow have increased the national profile of southern rap. The usual scholarly, Time magazine-type articles have rolled out trying to analyze the genre's popularity. For my money, though, nobody's done a good job of explaining why crunk is so fucking dope. Most people won't even give it a fair chance. Why can't crunk get any respect?


Maybe because it's the fucking dumbest music on the planet! Therein lies its appeal. Crunk is the biggest, dumbest, most cracked-out popular music on the scene today.  It's fucking exponential, too.  This year's new crunk is even bigger and dumber than last year's, which is a treat for fans but annoys the hell out of naysayers.  Whatever critics didn't like about it (usually the stupidity and the ugliness), well, now those particular elements are twenty times worse/better.  I say that's great!


Now, I'm no expert on the genre.  This isn't a fucking academic dissertation on the distinct sociological implications of this on that or whatever-the-fuck, and it's not even a history of crunk.  I don't have 90 albums of Kansan hip-hop front-loading my iPod, or two hard drives' worth of chopped & screwed Three 6 Mafia tracks in my bedroom.  I'm just saying that more folks should give this exceptionally powerful music a shot, don't turn it off when it comes on, let it seep into your life a little bit, feel the bass and the beats ripping what's left of your throat out after you've screamed "Motherfuck that nigga!  Motherfuck that bitch!  Y'all niggas can't fuck wit' my niggas' hoes!"


Word, crunk music is indeed misogynistic as all get out.  That's not the point!  Don't take it so fucking seriously, boo.  It's just dumb volume, really, designed to get people all rowdy inside.  Great catharsis!  Stirs a motherfucker east to west!  Fire up some Ying Yang Twins, crank your Lexus knobs to the red and get all fucking "stupid."  Feel like an idiot?  That's probably a good thing!  Need more explanation?  Fuck you!  Go read Time!


Granted, crunk can also be extremely commercial and the basis for soft drinks, but that's not the point, either.  What's the real, singular, memorable, hard-hitting "sho' you right" point of writing this essay, then, Andy, you ask me?  And I say just go fucking listen to some crunk and figure it out for your goddamn selves!  "Whaaat!  Yeeeah!  FUCK!!!"

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