O U T S I D E L E F T   stay i n d e p e n d e n t

Oral Sex Takes a Backseat To No One.

From the way things appear lately, you'd think the blowjob wasn't important at all anymore. Maxim would have you think a good session of anal has knocked oral right off the top of the list of Things Guys Most Wanna Do With Their Penis, but I don't think that's true at all.

get the weekly Outsideleft newsletter
by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: October, 2005
If your mouth is wet enough, he probably won't even notice you're using your hand at all!

In the twelve-course meal of fucking, I'd still rank the blowjob as a favorite appetizer, a filling (if somewhat salty) main course, and if you're feeling a little peckish post-feast, a delightfully sinful dessert. Truth is, most men still complain they aren't getting nearly enough sucky-sucky. And, truth is, still - - most women don't want to do it.

My thought has always been how women are looking at the penis as a potential attacker, ready to spit out at them at the slightest provocation. I remember being that girl - - so fearful of the sure-to-be quart of jizzload shooting down my throat and landing me in the ER like poor old Rod Stewart ("allegedly.") I can't remember when that all changed over for me, and sucking became more pleasure than chore, but I assure you it's a mind over mouth arrangement.

First: the penis is your friend. No, scratch that - - the penis isn't your friend so much as the very center of the universe for your man of that moment. Get down right next to it (or "him" if you insist) and get to know it. Rub your face over it, smell it, stick your tongue out a little and taste it. Sour from all day stuffed inside a tighty-whitey prison? Ask your guy to jump on the bidet to decrease the gag-factor. I'm sure you'll find he's willing to do whatever prep is needed to get your little pink mouth down there working his joint.

Some things are imperative if you want to give a world-class blowjob. Wetness is absolutely key. And, more than the clinical term 'salivate', you basically want the wetness of your pussy to take possession over your mouth. Look like you're drooling down your chin from wanting to get that cock between your lips.

I'd say if you don't think sucking it down your throat is an option in this lifetime, you'd better learn to use your hand as an attachment. Like you're giving a blowjob and a handjob at the same time, get the two parts working in perfect syncopation and your guy won't give a shit that you aren't Linda Lovelace. If your mouth is wet enough, he probably won't even notice you're using your hand at all!

Also, you can't be afraid of semen. Girls, it's natural. It's earth and life and juice from the faucet of the man you love. Okay, well, it's at least not as bad as you're trying to build it up to be. The actual shot of semen you'll get in an average blowjob is about a teaspoon to tablespoon's worth. It's definitely cheating if you give one of those halfway blowjobs where you pop off his dick at The Big Moment and start giving him a wimpy handjob, whining about how you don't want it in your mouth, it's ickie. Buzzkill! If it's your first time swallowing, have a soda, preferably warm and at-the-ready. That'll get rid of any post-swallow throat bubble and aftertaste. Can't bring yourself to take it like a woman? It's also nice to let him shoot it on your face, so in his post-spray stupor he can bite his lip and watch it dripping onto your naked chest. I can't think of a guy anywhere who doesn't want to see that, and if you keep your eyes closed it's relatively pain-free.

Even more important than those things, though - - and really the secret to giving a good blowjob every single time, is the one special little magic word: desire. You really, really have to want it. You can't put something like that on for show - - I've seen right through those girls in porn who act like they want it. I've given the half-heart blowjob where I was thinking "God, hurry up and come already, I'm late for work!" and it's just not the same. Sure, I mean, you could argue the penis (and the man) only cares about getting sucked and less about your genuine enthusiasm, but I disagree. Those stellar, knock-his-block-off blowjobs are only delivered when you are so into the moment, blissed out on the sucking and drooling, the face-as-pussy transaction, that you might not even remember what you're doing until the first shot hits the back of your throat - - reward for all your good, hard work.

Who says anal is the blowjob of the 2000s? Learn it, love it, make it your art. Vive la face-fuck!

see more stories from outsideleft's Sports Sex & Health archive »»

more stories you really could read...

thumb through the ancient archives:

search for something you might like...

sign up for the outsideleft weekly. a selection of new and archived stories every week. Or less.

View previous campaigns.

A Tav Falco Christmas Album
Ancient Champion hears Tav Falco's Christmas Mini Album and declares Now That's What I Call Music
Kamasi Washington Hits the Top
Jason Lewis says that the best record of 2017, Kamasi Washington's Harmony of Difference is the music that can elevate you, that can reach inside you, change you and fill you with hope
Spanish Water
New writer Paul Hawkins bring his travels and travails from Southeastern Spain to outsideleft...
Nighthawks Not at the Diner
The Mike Davids Band play an insouciantly cool conglomeration of understated blues, jazz and laconic late night standards. It's a synapse tingling, toe-tapping thrill
BIGG. Volume Dealers
Relentless gigging is getting BIGG a pretty massive reputation...
Happy Shopper #31: Natalia 'Saw Lady' Paruz
Happy shopping with Natalia 'The Saw Lady' Paruz on the eve her Guinness Book of Records attempt to assemble to worlds largest ever seen and heard Saw Ensemble. I am so tempted to call her the David Blain of the LongNeck Saw, but oh well, I won't, but maybe you will once you witness her Saw Magick...
Some of our favorite things...