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Candy, Candy, Candy - I Won't Let You Go.

Now that Halloween's over, I'm going to write about candy. Yeah, yeah, this would've been a more timely topic last week, blah blah, fuck you. Candy!

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by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: November, 2005
I also enjoy a good old-fashioned, plain Hershey bar.

Now that Halloween's over, I'm going to write about candy.  Yeah, yeah, this would've been a more timely topic last week, blah blah, fuck you.  Candy!

 

Everyone has their favorites.  Some folks stick with brand name companies like Hershey or Mars, others prefer more generic kinds, and still others are fucking candy snobs and only dig high-end, flavored cardboard with virtually no taste to it.  The latter group might argue, "One must search for the carefully balanced nuances and spritzes of fruit and leather in a fine piece of candy."  I tell those hoity-toity motherfuckers to go to Hell!

 

Man, I like some fucking chocolate in my candy.  None of this lemon drop/strawberry gumball nonsense for me, oh no.  I like a fucking 100 Grand.  Now that's a real goddamn candy bar!  You've got chocolate, caramel and crisped rice in one perfect bar, yo, don't complain, just sit back and enjoy your killer fucking 100 Grand. [Remember when it was called the One Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar? - Ed.]

 

I also enjoy a good old-fashioned, plain Hershey bar.  Recognize, people, Hershey still makes a great fucking chocolate bar!  There are chocolate purists in the world who think Hershey, Pennsylvania is the slum of the candy world, that Russell Stover is for the birds, and that even the considerably fancier Godiva is still just a cheap approximation of what chocolate can be.  Those motherfuckers need to hopscotch over to Hershey's Chocolate World, sit down with a bag of Symphony bars and get to shutting the fuck up.

 

Not that chocolate is the only kind of candy worth your time.  I'm just saying that lollipops, Twizzlers and chewing gum are wastes of energy compared to a big, fat chunk of chocolate.  Look inside yourself, you know I'm right!

 

M&Ms will do the trick, really, but they're never quite as good as they should be.  Check it, it's been said that the chocolate used in M&Ms is designed to make you keep grabbing for the bowl, because it's milder and that way you're never fully satisfied.  I say that kind of sucks!  I'd much rather get my mitts on a Nestl?© Crunch or a Three Musketeers, you know, something more substantial, something with claws.

 

Or a CARAMELLO.  Goodness gracious, that's one of the most perfect fucking candy bars ever invented!  The chocolate, the caramel, the big mess it makes, word, it all adds up to an amazingly gratifying experience.  Sticky and fucking delicious, that's exactly what I need in my life.

 

Goddamn, sitting here thinking about candy, I sure can't wait for Easter.  You know what Easter means, right?  Fucking Cadbury Cream Eggs, son!  No, no, they're not at all disgusting, you should give them another chance.  They have all-chocolate ones now, and caramel and peanut butter, and even Nestl?© Crunch cream eggs.  Yum!  I want a bowl of those sons of bitches sitting next to me all through the following summer.

 

Ah, but I'm just having a craving right now, you can probably tell.  Anyone have some leftovers from Halloween?  Seriously, I'm getting desperate!  You don't want the rest of those half-melted Lindt balls at the bottom of the bowl anyway, do you...  Well I do, so fork 'em over!

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