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Much Ado About Button

Man, I love pushing buttons! No, I don't mean fucking with people's emotions, I mean that I love pushing actual, physical buttons.

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by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: November, 2005
Elevator buttons are pretty much the gold standard for a true button lover.

Man, I love pushing buttons! No, I don't mean fucking with people's emotions, I mean that I love pushing actual, physical buttons.

There's something very satisfying about pushing buttons, flipping switches and pulling levers. It's the mechanized world at your fingertips, kid. See what happens when you press a button? There's a big fucking reaction! Buttons have purpose, they're there for a reason, and they want to be pushed in the worst fucking way. They need us!

Elevator buttons are pretty much the gold standard for a true button lover. Goodness gracious, elevators have truly magnificent components, joe! I like an elevator with nice, wide, solid buttons. Plus, elevator buttons usually light up, which is more than you can say for much of their lot. As much as I like dialing touchtone telephones (and trust me, I do), it's just a sad fact of life that not all buttons have a shining glow about them.

Illumination isn't really the end-all, be-all of the experience, of course. It's a joy to toggle a dope switch anyway. Stereo equipment, god, there's a wealth of incredible button-pushing to be had in that realm, let me tell you! Today's electronic components are brimming with some of the most luxurious buttons ever made. The machines themselves are amazing enough, but oh, the remote controls, whoa! What's more fun than camping out on the couch with a new stereo receiver, a remote control and an owner's manual? Not much!

Machines exist to be really, truly, honestly used. Take old 8-track players, for example. The rickety sound of inserting an 8-track cartridge is becoming pass?© quickly, but it'd be in most youngsters' best interest to get to an antique store and practice firsthand immediately. Ka-CHUNK! It's hand-on manipulation of technology, duke, and it'll light your fucking fire. While you're there, be sure to twist those old 8-track knobs, they're seriously built for the long haul.

I say it's fun to wander through department stores pressing, pushing and pulling the little mechanisms on everything. That's the true test of a well-made device, you know, it has to have good buttons. That DVD player you've been eying is going to be a big part of your life, and it damn well better have some swell fucking controls, right? Hopefully, the remote's buttons will at least be molded of glow-in-the-dark plastic!

Vending machines are a great source for this interactive need too, don't sleep. Have you seen those newer machines? The ones with the buttons that are a fucking square foot apiece? Jesus, it's worth the buck-fifty just to press that motherfucking button, you betcha! Clink clink clink goes the spare change, then the big spender gets to press a fabulously luminous button. Might want to cover up your crotch afterwards, because the excitement is bound to make you spray your come all over the vending machine!

Let me talk about a reel-to-reel machine I have at home. My good lord, this beast has the finest buttons I've ever fucking seen! And believe me, dun, I've seen a lot in my time. But wow, this contraption, its buttons are works of sculptured art. Each push feels downright consequential, like you're accomplishing something in the world, or drafting a country's constitution. It's like a fucking religion using this apparatus, for real. Super-wide polished steel buttons from the hand of the Maker himself. Push that superb buttoncraft and you'll hear springs pinging inside, you'll see the button itself lying flat in the throes of perfect operation, and you'll feel the click of the universe shoot through your bones. That's straight up boot-knockin' prayer, word.

Did I mention that this particular white elephant doesn't even work properly? Like that even matters! I'll never get rid of my reel-to-reel machine. It's a taste of technological immortality that inspires worlds of onomatopoetic language, yo. Stop by my pad sometime and, if you ask nicely, I might just let you play with my very favorite buttons!

Check this out...King of Buttons

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