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Dirty Harry

Seth Sherwood delves into the world of Harry Potter on the eve of The Goblet of Fire.

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by Seth Sherwood, for outsideleft.com
originally published: November, 2005
When Harry is 30 and giving birthday party magic shows on the side to make ends meet, I'll start giving a shit.
by Seth Sherwood, for outsideleft.com
originally published: November, 2005
When Harry is 30 and giving birthday party magic shows on the side to make ends meet, I'll start giving a shit.

If Paganism and witchcraft weren't enough to offend the fly-over states, maybe now we can do the job right. The latest film in the Harry Potter franchise has taken an unforgivable step towards programming our youth to hate Jesus... it's rated Pg-13.

 

One of the few things I find interesting about Harry Potter is that each book/movie is tonally older. The intent of author J.K. (Jesus-Killer) Rowling, aside from taking down Pope Emperor Palpatine, is to give children a story that grows along with them. Each book ages the characters, and the tone adjusts so that the target demographic is usually the same age as Harry.

 

In other words, when Harry is 30 and giving birthday party magic shows on the side to make ends meet, I'll start giving a shit. And by "birthday party magic shows" I mean "sloppy $5 blowjobs behind 7-11 in an '84 Datsun."

 

In all seriousness, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire doesn't tread over any new territory that the previous films have not. Act 1 finds Harry out of sorts and in a quandary. Act 2 sees him use magic to seemingly solve the problem. Act 3 pragmatically shows us that Harry has to come to terms with himself and solves his INNER issues, of which the magic-solved problem of act 2 was a metaphor.

 

Act 1 of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire presents to us an older, and gawkier, Harry (Daniel Radcliff). Harry is in the pubescent throws of becoming a man. His voice is changing, cracking during his spell casting. He's getting hair.you know... down there. His feelings for Hermione (Emma Watson) are confusing and new. He used to like playing with her and talking about magic, but now when he sees her he is puzzled and flush. He seems to end up taking out his wand and waving it about feverishly in hopes she will take notice. Sadly, the truth is, she doesn't pay much attention to Harry anymore. Ever since she started getting a rack her friends and priorities have changed.

 

The second act carries the narrative along to the TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT in which 3 magic schools compete in 3 events to determine who's most magically delicious.or something. Harry is of course the one to watch in the games. Round 1 pits Harry against a devilish serpent. The fire-spitting snake (of course). Harry isn't going to let a dragon show him up, but the dragon is wily. How often does a man think he is in control of the snake, when in reality that serpent controls his every action. Harry thinks he can escape the trappings of the dragon, but that isn't the true goal. Here, Harry must find the EGG. The golden egg is what the serpent wants soooo bad. Harry is becoming a man, and that dame serpent controls him.

 

Between events is the grand ball. The kids from Harry's school, and the competitors (sexy school girls and muscle bound jocks), all come together for music, dance, unrequited love, and boner-shame. Hermione is the belle of the ball, of course. This leaves Harry in position for prom-night buggery since he won the event of the day and is considered to be "hot-shit wizard guy." Sadly, the audience is left wondering what transpires betwixt he and Hermoine after they leave the ball. Perhaps the next two TriWizard events can spell it out for us.../p>

 

The second round is a Fear-Factor inspired bout where a young wizard must "perform heroically underwater." Young and wet Hermione is tossed in the bog to play CPR victim and Harry must rescue her. Of course Harry DOES rescue her, because he's fucking Harry Potter, but when she doesn't revive panic sets in. Harry frantically waves his wand over her face. His young taut muscles clench and release, his body drips with bog water. The wand seems to grow with glowing anticipation, but the young beauty does not stir. Other wizards come to help, each of them clenching their wands over her face. Then at last, with a chorus of swelling flowing wands, Hermoine's mouth opens and life shudders through her as the magic flows from the wands over her face.

 

Harry's third challenge, in the film's final act, is to stumble his way through an overgrown magic bush. Seriously. Frantically, with sweat dripping down his brow, Harry plunges repeatedly into the ever-changing thick foliage. He WANTS it.he can SMELL it, but no matter how much he twists and turns, he cannot seem to find his prize. Until finally- despite a line of other wizards behind him, Harry breaks through the thicket. Finally, he has won. The pressure is off. Sweet, sweet release.And to maintain our lesson, it should be pointed out that Harry didn't make it through the bush with magic, he had to rely on his wit. He had to learn to be confident and strong. Chicks dig that shit.

 

Although this is the first Pg-13 rating for the films, the books have been overtly sexual from the start. Pain staking research (google) has alerted me to these various passages from various earlier Harry Potter books:

 

" 'There was no need to stick the wand in that hard,' he said gruffly, clambering to his feet. 'It hurt.'"

 

"Very astute, Harry, but the mouth organ was only ever a mouth organ."

 

"'Pass me a bowl,' said Hermione, holding the pulsating pod at arm's length"

 

"What d'you mean, I'm not brave in bed?" said Harry, completely nonplussed.

 

"Ah well...wand still in your jeans?"

 

"He was rather taller than Snape, who, Harry noticed, had balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand."

 

"Stand up and take out your wand, Potter."

 

"He was on all fours again on Snape's office floor."

"Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?" Harry considered for a moment.

"Wet." He said truthfully.

 

"Ha ha ha, Harry, look at it-- " said Ron, watching it disgorge its gaudy innards. "Harry, come and touch it, bet it's weird-- "..."Harry, look what's happen-- no-- no, I don't like it-- no, stop-- stop-- "

 

And the innuendo rolls on.../p>

 

**Please note- Seth Sherwood never has, and never intends, to see, read or experienced anything to do with Harry Potter no matter how many of his adult friends tell him that they are "ACTUALLY pretty good!" He would also like to add he did his best to avoid the lame and easy word play of "Hairy Palmer and the Sorcerer's Bone "right up until the last line of this review.**

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Seth Sherwood

Seth lives in Los Angeles. He is a writer of comic books (and unsold screenplays) and...

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