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Your Resumé Is A Piece Of Crap.

Andy Allison has written what may be one of the greatest self-help articles in the history of the internet. Mouth-breathing unemployables take note.

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by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: December, 2005
In my day, we were taught to spend entire days perfecting a resumé.

Typographical errors and terrible formatting, man, what the fuck.  Doesn't anyone have a flawless resumé anymore?

Yeah, I've been reviewing a lot of resumé's lately, and it's sure not very fucking fun!  With how many mistakes can one application be splattered, I've been wondering?  Too many to count, as it turns out!  For crying out loud, people, take a look at the garbage you're mailing out.

I mean, in my day, we were taught to spend entire days perfecting a resumé.  "If you're unemployed," the maxim went, "your job is to find another job."  Fucking right!  So why not use your goddamn time wisely and craft a motherfucking killer rresumé?  Huh?  Why not?  Fucking answer me, applicant!  You should be hunkered down in your little apartment going over those pieces of ivory-colored paper with a fine-tooth comb.  If I see an error, I circle it with a red pen and you look like an imbecile.  You don't want that, trust me.

The slightest error becomes enormous on the printed page, so you should invest a decent amount of your schedule to perfecting that first impression.  Misspellings are the most ridiculous blunder a motherfucker can make.  I want to scream, "Don't rely on word processor spell check!" because it simply won't pick up all of the errors.

Folks must be thinking, "Ah well, loose/lose, they must mean the same thing, to heck with it."  Even worse, let it be known that the meaning of a sentence is altered drastically when the word "assess" is misspelled ASSES.

Oh man, and check this, it's so glaringly obvious when people are applying the latest rresumé and cover letter techniques.  Guidance counselors and college professors think they're doing their students a favor by suggesting that kids should be much more aggressive with their language.  One cover letter I saw today said, "I will be contacting you this coming Tuesday afternoon to review the status of my application."  Um, yeah, I don't think so, you're applying for MY position, underling, you sit the fuck back and wait for me to get a hold of YOU.  That's the way it works!  It's a relatively mild quibble, though, because there are certainly circumstances that might suggest a more straightforward approach.

Here's a better cover letter tale:  This one fool tells me, basically, that he'll be getting the job because he's already a "perfect fit" and "looks forward to working with" me.  Hey you native son of a b!&n. You don't have the fucking job yet, you're probably not getting it, I might forward you my Post-It note full of slanderous commentary if you really want to learn from this experience, and perhaps next time you'll get a goddamn interview.  Hmmm, was this the jackass who misspelled "experience" in his introductory email?  I forget, man, all these applications are starting to look the same.

Keep it fucking simple, kids! I want a short cover letter, I want a one-page resumé with absolutely no inconsistencies, and I want writing samples that are actually representative of the best you can do.

Wait, that IS your best? Oh good fucking lord, I don't even want to hear it!  Please get out of my sight!  There's a whole library reference section somewhere waiting for you right the fuck now!  Get to work!

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