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Living On Borrowed Time

Introducing the flawless logic of Karl Morgan - watch out old people, he's thinking about you...

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by Karl Morgan, for outsideleft.com
originally published: December, 2005
you silly boy - Karl's mom.
by Karl Morgan, for outsideleft.com
originally published: December, 2005
you silly boy - Karl's mom.

If I could make one film come true in real life, it would be 'Logan's Run'. Think about it for a second - wouldn't it be great to live in a world with absolutely NO old people? That would be incredible! Now don't get me wrong - I don't hate 'the aged'. They just really really really annoy me, is all.

I was on the bus yesterday, and I had my feet up on the seat opposite me. I wanted to relax, is that so bad? Suddenly this old trout starts getting all up in my face saying 'Get your feet off the seat. People have to sit there, you know'. I showed her how clean my shoes were but she was having none of it. Old bag. I used to work in a supermarket and there I was endlessly tormented by the behaviour of the elderly. I'd serve them food and they'd start conversations with me. I would become distressed because I don't like talking to people with whom I have nothing in common. What am I gonna talk about with these coffin-dodgers, the friggin' Big Bopper or something?

I am also irked by the fact that old people contribute nothing to society. They drain us of our time, money and emotions but they give nothing in return. I informed my mother of this the other day and she replied 'they can't contribute anything now because they're retired. I'm sure they used to have jobs and contributed something to society like everyone else', to which I said 'Yeah ok they used to have jobs but when Mavis over there was busy dishing out coronaries at my local greasy cafe, I wasn't even born, so why should I give her any credit for it?'. Take that, mother. My logic is flawless. When she heard this my mother looked at me and then shook her head, but she shook it in a 'oh Karl, you silly boy' kind of way, and not a 'what kind of old person-hating monster have I unleashed upon the world?' kind of way.

The great thing about having this opinion (aside from it being right) is that I've got good ol' Bill Hicks backing me up. He said that the elderly should be used as stunt people in action films - 'Hey check it out, that's my grandma. Whoa Chuck Norris kicked her head right off her body, awesome!!!' Hicks is right, and I agree with him. The real tragedy in all of this is that I, the fresh-faced idealistic man of the world writing these words, will one day be an old person. Provided, of course, that I live that long.

So basically I'm either going to die or become an old person, and I'm not sure which is worse.

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