O U T S I D E L E F T   stay i n d e p e n d e n t

The Power of the Whore's Bath.

It's not that Allison is against bathing, he just likes all the free time not showing provides him.

get the weekly Outsideleft newsletter
by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: December, 2005
Anyone who doesn't feel like showering can always just keep some cats around.
by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: December, 2005
Anyone who doesn't feel like showering can always just keep some cats around.

Cleanliness, bah.  If you think I'm showering today, you're out of your fucking mind!

 

How long has it been since I last took a long, relaxing shower?  Hmmm, let's see, I think it's been about four days now.  Or has it been five?  Or three?  Like I fucking care.

 

Damn, I sure like not showering for a solid week.  Nothing against being clean, it's just convenient to get up and go in the mornings, you know?  No fuss, just smear the deodorant on and split.  I'm one of those lucky people who doesn't have incredibly strong body odor anyway, so nobody really knows.  My live-in ladyfriend says I smell manly and delicious.

 

One tremendous advantage is that I have really short hair.  Word, duke, keeping it closely cropped is a seriously great thing!  I never comb it anyhow, not that anyone ever notices.  Plus, the greasier it gets, the sleeker it appears.  Just looks like I'm wearing some kind of gel or mousse, yo, and then I can say "Hey co-workers, check out my stylish new hairdo!"

 

I mean, I wear clean clothes every day (well, most days), and it's not like I haven't touched water in three/four/five days.  Washing my hands isn't optional, come on, I'm sanitary!  And I splash some water on my face at night, too.  Oh, and I've seen the inside of a bathtub recently, but it was only to scrub my girlfriend's soapy breasts during HER shower.  Don't suppose that counts, huh?  I say it should!  Have to rinse that nasty soap off my hands, don't I?

 

Anyone who doesn't feel like showering can always just keep some cats around.  At night, my Persian pal Spooky and I cuddle, and he likes to groom me.  Maybe he likes the tangy taste of pure grime, I don't know.  But he spikes it up in the front, gives me a nice trendy look, then makes sure the area around my growing bald spot is spic-n-span.  Thanks, Spooky, this looks fantastic!  Best shampoo I've had in ages.

 

So yeah, it sounds more disgusting than it is, really.  Late for work?  I say skip that fucking shower, motherfucker, you look fine as you are!

see more stories from outsideleft's Sports Sex & Health archive »»

more stories you really could read...


thumb through the ancient archives:

search for something you might like...


sign up for the outsideleft weekly. a selection of new and archived stories every week. Or less.

View previous campaigns.

Silva Into Gold - An Example of Modern Alchemy
The Gentlest Wingmen are the Best Wingmen
Many successful dalliances await you with the Moore Brothers on your side
All the Um Dudes
Moz or Mott: Who'll Rock Dad or Grandad Harder this Holiday Season?
The Living Prince and his Pink Nasty
Bonnie 'Prince' Billy gives deconstructionism an enema with his meta-meta look at himself, and you might see yourself in there waving back
Get Out, Get Out, Get Out - Alex V. Cook Interviews Jason Molina
The frontman for Songs:Ohia and Magnolia Electric Co. takes some time out from his reputation for being an abrasive jerk to kindly answer an adoring fan's questions.
Shellac is a natural polymer and is chemically similar to synthetic polymers
The mighty Shellac return from the abyss with enough broken shards of integrity to slice down the veil of inadequacy around us all.
Some of our favorite things...