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Behold, "Dear Girl... - outsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff - so rest assured, you're in good hands.

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by Erin Pipes, for outsideleft.com
originally published: March, 2006
The vagina is not a leaky faucet.

Behold, "Dear Girl... - outsideLeft's version of the tried and true sex column. Erin Pipes, the girl in "dear girl... is a fully qualified expert in the field of sex - mainly because she has the most of it on the staff - so rest assured, you're in good hands.

 

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Dear Girl,

This question is really just to satisfy my curiosity. Taking into account that the vagina is a self-cleaning organ that secretes whatever it secretes, if a gal doesn't wear undergarments and she's wearing a skirt, what happens to the secretions? I'm imagining a runny nose.

Just wondering, Phil (London)

 

Well, good lord, Phillip-- the vagina is not a leaky faucet!  I happen to be one of those girls who prefers "going without" and it's not such a messy prospect.  Oh, sure, it varies.  There are times in a month when the vagina is a bit more syrupy than other times, but it's never an embarrassingly obvious trickle-down-the-legs-during-a-tea-party situation.  The secretions you're referring to are thicker than liquid.  More like warm butter or jelly, really.  And the fact you've imagined them so drippy leads me to the conclusion that you need to experience a lot more pussy, Phil.  Try even one for starters.


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Dear Girl,

Why do women not think that oral sex isn't sex? It is. Are they in denial?

Thanks, JP (Albany, NY)

 

Gosh, it's not so cut and dry, is it? Is sex solely defined by orgasm? I sucked my way all through high school imagining I was still at least 75% pure, due to the fact I'd held onto my precious cherry all the while.  I guess it's not exactly virginal to suck dick, but is it really sex?  Some say yes.  Having been in more than a few lesbian relationships, I'd have to say yes, also. In that situation.  But there are days when I'm just not up to full-blown (heh) intercourse, and when the boyfriend comes waggling at me with his pistol at-the-ready, a good way to get him off my back is to offer a blowjob, and during those times I consider it to be the alternative to sex.  I think everyone gets to make their own call on this one, but I'll tell you one thing for certain: if you're in a relationship and you get (or give) a blowjob to (or from) someone other than your partner, you'd better fucking believe it's sex.


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Deal Girl,

What's a good act of revenge on a 48-year old married guy who I was dating (and claimed to want to marry me and have kids with me) who I just found out is married to a very well-off woman of over 25 years? Please don't say let it go because I'm not going to. I just want advice on some good acts of revenge.
Jean (Encino)

 

Oh man, Jean.  I feel your rage and I sympathize, absolutely.  I could tell you some stories of my own experiences with revenge, involving tire slashing, upper deckers or emailing someone's personal exhibition of diaper play to my entire address book, but the cold, boring fact is revenge is for pussies.  Why let him see he got to you?  Any further than he already knows, I mean.  As I've grown older, I suddenly came to realize what a total tool you look like when someone fucks you over and you lose your shit and freak out in a way that will become less your delicious revenge and more a "that bitch was CRAZY" story that may follow you around and come up to tap you on the shoulder in the future when you least expect or want it.  It's been said about a million times in so many different ways, but the true revenge is to move on, get over it and live well.  Then, in a few years you can send him the photo holiday card of you, hotter than ever, with your incredible new lover, completely past his lying ass. The high road looks great on you, girlfriend.  Just hold tight.

 

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Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at info@outsideLeft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.
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