The mighty pistachio was my favourite nut for years but I've recently discovered the delights of the cashew. Nuts are great, aren't they? You could say that I adore nuts, you could even go so far to say that I love nuts, but if you actually came out and said that I'm 'nuts about nuts', you'd be an asshole. Puns are the lowest possible form of humour, the last refuge of the sniggering retard. Brazil nuts are cool, but without a chocolate covering they're unimpressive. The peanut, obviously, is a good reliable nut, deserving of its popularity, its lightness really sets it apart, I think. There are few nuts I don't like. I dislike almonds. They're too dry and brittle. Fuck almonds.
When I think about it, my attitude towards nuts mirrors my approach to food in general. That is, I like most of it and I'm not that choosy, but some of it is crap. Choosy eaters are such idiots. I'm talking about the kind of person who won't eat sushi because it's raw, but will happily munch on some processed piece of offal that crawled its way out of the deep-fat fryer in their local chicken house. Many choosy eaters, I have noticed, don't like mushrooms. What these people fail to realise is that they are being very cretinous. Mushrooms are delicious. I love mushrooms on pizza.
Ok, my all time best pizza topping would have to be ham, mushrooms and black olives. It's quite sparse and simple, I know, but when preparing a pizza I prefer not to overload the palate. Which, holy shit, brings me onto an important issue - pineapple on pizza. I would love just ten minutes alone with the scumbag who had the bright idea of putting chunks of pineapple on a perfectly fine and lovely ham and cheese pizza. I'd do a number on him. It is an intensely disgusting flavour and it makes me feel quite nauseated just thinking about it. You'll notice I used the word 'nauseated' there instead of the usual 'nauseous'. That's because 'nauseous' should be used to apply to the object that inspires the feeling, and not the one who feels it. That's a common mistake people make in English.
God, how many of those are there? About a gazillion. People have no mastery of the English language anymore. But let's get back onto food, or more to the point, the smells of food. Smell is a criminally under-rated sense. Just think about some of the classics - the crisp invigorating aroma of coffee, the salival splendour of fried bacon, or the soft and subtle beauty of what is quite clearly the best smell in the history of the world: cinnamon. I absolutely love cinnamon. I sprinkle it on the foam when I get one of those foamy coffees that are so loved nowadays. They're such bullshit aren't they? There's like a tonne of foam in there and hardly any coffee.
Sharon and Rob and Carrie are back as the happiest foul-mouthed family on TV