In our ongoing and enduring series, famed columnist, Erin 'Dear Girl' Pipes dispenses the kind of sexy advice only your mother otherwise should.
Dear Girl,
There's a guy at work that I hate so much, I want to have sex with him. I mean I really hate him. What the hell's wrong with me? From, Repulsed Worker Bee (San Francisco, CA)
Ah, yes, I've totally been there, Bee. This is the stuff so many trashy and delicious romantic comedies and TV shows are made of. Moonlighting, anyone? There's something extremely fucking hot about a guy that rubs you the wrong way, be it by sense of humor or political opinion or treatment of women. It's an endless list of irritation and man, he's got your dander up, doesn't he? Mmm. I'm guessing you get in little scraps during the day-- he tells your beloved green pumps look like a leprechaun barfed on your shoes; you tell him you're surprised he can even see your shoes over his swelling Schlitz malt liquor belly. The ante is upped on both sides, jibes rising. You notice you're a little flushed and maybe even sweaty. Then you both head off to your respective office restrooms to masturbate on company time. Bliss! There's nothing wrong in indulging in some backhanded workplace flirtation with someone you hate. Just remember not to go too far over the line and start fantasizing china patterns and children because you might not respect yourself in the morning.
Dear Girl,
Is a girl trying to send a guy signals when she discusses her husband/boyfriend with disparaging remarks? I have a female friend who every once in while, subtly brings up the fact that her husband is a bit of a loser (bad credit, unsuccessful musician, etc). Am I reading into this or is she letting me know she's unsatisfied, thus setting up a hot, steamy session of hide the bologna? ( C.J. from New Orleans)
Hmm, that's a toughie, CJ. It could certainly go either way. Sometimes a girl is so comfortable with you, to the point where she feels safe to share all the grievances she's got piling up in her life. It can be a sign of great trust, but I get the feeling that's not what you're fishing for. Yes, CJ, sometimes girls tell you about the problems with their boyfriends as a way of illustrating that the guy is a log and she's there for the taking. Consider the nature of your relationship with this girl. Is flirting and playful tickle-wrestling de riguer? Does she seem to be impeccably or sluttily gussed up everytime you hang out? Are you one of those "nice guys" that inspires confidence in all your female friendships? Does she also eat large orders of chili fries around you while she's sharing her issues? If you're looking for signs, they're always pretty clear if you pay attention.
Dear Girl,
Am I wrong in being a little upset because the person I'm in a long-term relationship isn't into the sexual activities they used to be into in their previous relationships? From the stories I've been told, my significant other used to be a sexual dynamo who was into all sorts of kink-now they're all about doing it in the missionary position. Do people really change that drastically?
Yeah, actually, they do. Now, i'm not saying this is your girl because you know her better than I do, but there are some girls (I'm guilty of this) who'll roll with whatever their current guy happens to like, including those kinky things that really busts his nuts. Hold your balls in my mouth while you jerk it into my perfect 80s perm? Got it. Slide my tiny fist up your ass while you eat the pillow shams your mom made? Okay. Also, she might just be a passive sexual personality, you know? If you're not outwardly into the things she's discussed, chances are she's not going to read your mind about what you secretly desire. Some girls need a little coaxing. Some girls are at whim to a more dominant sexual personality. If what you want is for some salty golden-shower action, then you should probably bring it up sometime, right? I don't think it's fair to assume she won't be your freak if you haven't even given her the chance.
Gotta problem? Of course you do. Send them in email form to Dear Girl (or as we at the office call her, Erin) at outsideLeft.com. Our intern-monkeys will be sure to pass them on to her.
