Ah, I'll remember the moment vividly.a little after eight o'clock p.m. on a Tuesday. The night I had a Washington, DC Metro car all to myself!
See, I've been taking the subway to work for a few weeks now because my car's leaking antifreeze. Without the money to repair it, it's cheaper just to grab a train at the nearby light rail station. Hmm, but then I have to put up with the crowding. Morning and night, yo, motherfuckers cramp my space and make me sink even deeper into my iPod.
So I'm listening to Keak Da Sneak tonight when the Metro train arrives. I hop on the car, wait for others to join me, but no! Not tonight! The doors slide closed and hey, check it out, I have my own car!
I'm the kind of fella to seize an opportunity, so I immediately ditched my Backstreet Boys backpack and umbrella and started running up the aisle. I was thinking, you know, when do we ever have a chance to completely freak out in such a public place without anyone knowing?
I started yelling, HEYYYY! I HAVE MY OWN CAR!!! NO ONE ELSE IN HERE! NO ONE CAN HEAR WHAT I'M YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, EXCEPT MAYBE THE ENGINEER WITH A HIDDEN CAMERA I DON'T KNOW ABOUT! YAY!!! HOOOOOOOOO!
There're only a couple minutes between each stop, so I had to take advantage of the situation. With the train barreling down the tunnels, I swung from the railings on the ceiling and probably threw some little jig into my spastic episode. Gloriously noisy solitude, I thought, and returned to my seat.
Sure enough, a few fucking party spoilers got on my car at the next stop. Damn it all! But then they all got off at the following train station, the doors closed, and YES! Twice! Two empty Metro cars, what a lucky fucking day!
Of course I ran to the front of the car again, jumping a little bit and shouting some things. People in the station must've wondered what the heck was going on, and the folks in the adjacent car might've been thinking similarly, but you'd HAVE to act like that in such a position, right?
Little bit more yelling, a lot more bellowing, and I almost dislocated my bad knee spinning around a pole. Would've been worth it, I say!
Madman screaming over, I walked back to my bench after having broken a sweat. I contemplated acting like a lunatic when people tried to board at the next stop, saying stuff like GET OFF MY CAR!!! while flailing my arms ridiculously, but that was probably a bad idea.
Some other dopey sons of b's got on at the next stop, predictably, and the moment passed. Who fucking cares! Two empty cars in one night, man, dig it!
I hope the last guy on that train jerks off all over himself or something to make the night more memorable. Gotta clean up after yourself when you leave, though, brother, what, you think you own this train?!
The Pixievic Pixiekisses book launch at the ORT Cafe