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Kraziness and Kaos at the Kwik-e-Mart

So, 7-Eleven finally gets in on the joke and hooks up with Fox for the funn-est Simpsons Movie tie-in

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by LamontPaul, for outsideleft.com
originally published: July, 2007
we went to Von's, where 60 cans of the Vitamin & Mineral Enriched Diet Coke could be had in the holiday sale for $10. Cheaper than water.

Ostensibly easy enough right? Pop out for a case of Duff Beer, some Buzz Cola, some milk and some Krusty-O's.

Of course, wouldn't you know it, the line for such fine fare lead round the block, so we were pretty much outta there faster than Scooter Libby got outta the shadow of the Big House.

And so it was on Monday when we attempted to drop into the new Kwik-e-Mart in Burbank on our way home from a failed food foraging attempt at Urban Eats - Closed Mondays. So one evening. One entire gigantic Wash.

I will say, as we drove towards the new Kwik-e-Mart location, the spotlights lighting up the Kwik-E Mart sign had me clicking my heels like a dancing freak of sorts - yes even at the wheel of wife-x's Goldsmobile and that's a feat. But our joy was short-lived by the line outside, the length of which I have not joined since the time I waited for nearly four hours in an attempt to get a ticket for a $100,000,000+ lottery sometime late in the last century. That, at an Irvine gas station, ended in failure too when the lottery ticket machines and software flamed out at 7.45pm just as I reached the front of the line. I hastily picked up a MLS Logo ball and pretended it was just what I wanted all along.

Jeff albertsonThe crowd at the Kwik-e-Mart made the weekend iPhone lines look weak. Although I saw an iPhone line, 50 people deep outside a Santa Monica Apple store, where a large sign stated clearly, "No iPhones available at this location."

I did want to get inside the Kwik-e-Mart, pretty badly, and considered even playing my newest pregnant wife trump card... But in the end, just could not bring myself to mingle with meandering 100% male masses. It's July 4th and there'll be sausage parties all week. Anyway, I'd bet my copy of '(if) I Did It' by OJ - (an unfortunately cover-free download), that they didn't all just look like Jeff Albertson, as you can see from the picture - they'd sound like him too - and who could suffer listening to that for several hours?

And, I'd gotten the word that despite the great looking foam store makeover, Duff Beer wasn't going to be available anyhow. Fuck it, we went to Von's, where 60 cans of the Vitamin & Mineral Enriched Diet Coke could be had in the holiday sale for $10. Cheaper than water. I love America.

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