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The Real Secret

The World emerges from a World of Confusion now that O/L Superstar, Andy Allison is back to Disect and Destroy The Secret

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by Andy Allison, for outsideleft.com
originally published: August, 2007
Do you want a double-decker bus of your own? How's about a box of donuts, or a fleet of yachts?

There are some pop culture items to which I pay no attention whatsoever. During the last year, one of them has been The Secret. Now that I've read about it, man, what a bunch of fucking garbage!

You know about The Secret, right? I didn't 'til just today, and I'll summarize for the few uneducated souls unlucky enough to be exposed. Some chick in Australia happened upon "the secret" to obtaining everything you want in life, and then she wrote a self-help book about it and made a film. Oprah latched onto it and made that Aussie lady crazy rich.

It's all about thoughts translating into feelings, and those feelings invite either bad or good elements into your life, depending on what you feel. So basically, if you think good things, they'll come to you. Law of attraction, you know.

What do you really want in life? Do you want a double-decker bus of your own? How's about a box of donuts, or a fleet of yachts? Well hey, just sit there and fucking THINK about it, jack! Apparently the "secret" is to think and feel, and then you never have to actually DO anything to get what you want!

Man, fuck that, and fuck everyone who bought into that rotten baloney. I mean, positive energy's definitely a good thing, but come on! I can sit at my desk and visualize about getting out of work early all day, but it sure isn't going to fucking happen. Guaranteed! I'll bet you a thousand bucks! And I'm fucking broke! Is it because I don't live by The Secret?

The dope fiends behind this jackass theory believe that people's feelings reverberate out into the world like a bunch of shockwaves, and everything they think about comes back into their lives accordingly. Let me tell you, they're giving far too much credence and power to their own feelings. Hey Secret sheep, I say to them, you're just plain NOT that fucking powerful, so get over yourselves! Ultimately, you have so little control over what comes into your lives!

If this nonsense movement has done anything good for the world, I guess it's nice that folks are out there thinking positive thoughts. But any motherfucker who believes that they're going to cure their AIDS simply by thinking about it has another thing coming. And that thing is, of course, death from AIDS.

Feel that, cancer boys and girls? That's your body rotting away! And I'll bet you can't feel the pocket money that you paid to buy your copy of The Secret!

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