I'm housebound at the moment so I thought I would write something. I'm incredibly bored and the only football on today is an Everton game. Not fun. So I need to backtrack a little; I started a month long internship in The Dubliner magazine two weeks ago. It's good. Got a few articles written, reviewed some restaurants without actually going to any of them and, serving my role as office bitch, I had to of course make the tea and get peoples lunches. Buying things with wheat grass in it or anything veggie related is all new to me but then again, so was getting stuff published. Getting up at eight o clock is also new to me. I usually go to sleep around 3 or 4 am. Lunchtime is my breakfast time baby! (You have to let your mother know she is categorically not allowed to talk to you in the morning, I can't deal with early morning chatter; you can freely drink your juice undisturbed then). The buses, all packed and sweaty, just reminded me of exactly how shit school was. It was shit before you even got there. Thank God that's all over with.
So as I said I'm housebound. I wrecked my ankle, bad sprain n fracture running and jumping off a large wall. I THINK I was trying to see could I propel my body into the centre of the road from afar, for the laugh like. The sixteen pints and naggin of vodka weighed me down a bit much though; I fell short of the distance. Friday nights in hospitals are not fun. No one was happy to see me; the ambulance driver, the nurses or the porter.Well, the porter was cool I suppose, he grunted less than the others. They cut my trousers and did up my leg. I was screaming drunk apparently. They knocked me out for some time and early in the morning, I taxied it home. I began to think, I am never happy so; was this some really crap suicide attempt? I can never seem to go through with them. I had tried once before to drown myself in an inch of shower water in Bangkok while hurtling bottles at my girlfriend. It was an unpleasant holiday to say the least. That was day one of it too.
These situations always have two things in common really; alcohol and women. It's like mixing two drugs together. It just fucks you up. I cannot handle it. I never could. It's like this giant mental break-down in a box. These situations always reveal my inner insanity. I should have seen it coming; all of it: the girl, that guy again, the anger, my total blindness to my own stupidity and the wall of course. It's not even that high. But that guy. It's an odd sensation hating someone you've never met, and in turn having now to 'dislike' someone you love and know so well. But it is not really his fault. If anything it is hers. Obsession is obsession. Then there was me who made giant mistakes but was willing to literally do anything to start over again. Once again, I've that feeling of not being able to get out of this situation, mentally, that I always get stuck with. The twists and turns of these incidents are always surprising I find. The girl always moves on quickly, always. Whether it is my fault or not, once a chance is blown, it is blown. They will not go back on their word, take you back or have any remorse. TV lied to me. These women are not the silly, dizzy, scared, cry babies I was brought up watching. They are determined, strong-willed, demanding and sometimes just plain vicious.
I have had little else to do, other than stay in contemplating all this, feeling shit for myself, drawing logos, watching SUPERBAD, finding out the Shocking Pinks are actually quite good and wishing I hadn't gone and bought her Asobi Seksu and Arcade Fire tickets. I should never have looked too far into the future. Great expectations. But Pip did alright in the end, didn't he? Unrequited situations though; it is peculiar how you can be lead to believe something that was actually never there at all. Your hopes were not hopes. Sometimes, no amount of careful treading can guide you on the right course it would seem. It's like planning a holiday to Miami and realising at the last minute that you've been redirected to Burma. Imagine how annoyed you would be!
March sees a greatly expanded reissue of Elliott Smith's most critically acclaimed album Either/Or